Beware the Cyclo drivers. Rules of the road are non-existent in Vietnam

Is Japan starting to get to you? Have you had it with rules, order, keigo, and outrageous prices? If so, then you need to loosen that collar and take a vacation in the Anti-Japan: Vietnam.

Why go?
It's insanely cheap! Imagine a daily food budget of USUSD5 for three real, filling, delicious meals. Backpacker-style hotels run from USD4-USD12. USD10 in Tokyo won't even get you buzzed; with USD10 in Vietnam you can drink your face off. Great for bargain hunters, alcoholics, and plain ol' cheapskates.

Tropical Climate! Get a tan like a kogyaru, the natural way. Mango shakes, palm trees, hammocks, coconuts with straws in 'em... You get the idea.

Delicious food! Fresh, natural ingredients, over 500 traditional dishes, stuff you've never eaten before, dishes you'll be dying to eat again later.

Historical attractions more your speed? Tons of pagodas, museums and war monuments.

On top of that, the culture is warm and friendly (in the absence of wartime invaders). Treat 'em right, and these people are all smiles. As an onlooker, I was invited into a religious ritual by locals, even given tea and food from their communal bounty. Another time I was overcharged by a street peddler; an outraged waiter tracked the offender down, apprehended him and demanded the kid give me my money back and apologize. Being from New York Take-Care-Of-It-Your-Damn-Self City, I was flabbergasted.

Halong Bay, Just two hours from Hanoi by bus. Courtesy of ASEAN Centre

Dealing with Vietnamese.
The most important thing I can tell you is whereas Japan has set rules, Vietnam is a fluid situation. The chaos created by corruption means that places, people, prices and policies are changing all the time - sometimes from person to person. Someone having a great/terrible experience someplace doesn't mean that you will necessarily duplicate that experience, or even pay the same. Maybe the hotel clerk just loves you (or doesn't), and in Vietnam they've got the leeway to make that a factor in what they charge.

So, negotiate the Vietnamese way. To maximize your chances of getting a cheap price, a good seat at the restaurant or a decent hotel room, you should either a) be a blood relative of the person you're dealing with, or b) be pleasant and wear a big-ass smile when negotiating. Putting on a happy face may be difficult if you feel you're being mistreated, but in Vietnam a smile will always get you further than a frown.

In conflicts, Vietnamese folk are tough cookies; they cannot be shouted down, intimidated or waited out. (Determined and tenacious, the Vietnamese have defeated technologically superior invaders twice.) You, as a foreigner, are at a disadvantage and will come up second-best if you try to pull the tough Westerner act. Above all, whenever bargaining, keep that dopey grin on!



Don't be a sucker!
Vietnam is generally safe, but every country has got its share of criminals who prey on tourists. Here are some of the scams going around. Remember that, comparatively speaking, Saigon is the crime hot spot. Hanoi is much more relaxed, but watch your back anyway.

Theft of rented scooters/bicycles, by original owner. He rents it out to you, keeping your passport in exchange, then follows you and steals the thing back when you're not around (he's got the key, after all). So drop a couple of bucks and get your own bike lock.

Getting robbed while asleep. Sleeping on the train or the beach is a no-no. Back at the hotel, stash your cash on your body or in the pillowcase. Put empty soda cans, bottles, or anything else that'll make a racket in front of the door.

Cyclo muggings. At nighttime, Saigon cyclo drivers have been known to take their fares down a dark side street and mug them. If you must take cyclos at night, use inverse-Darwinian criteria to choose your driver - the older and smaller he is, the better.

Pickpockets. The light fingers in Saigon's Ben Thanh market could shake David Copperfield down. Prominently display any unwanted jewelry. Keep your hands in your pockets to keep other hands out.

Street kids. Obviously you should avoid the gypsy kids and urchins. They like to show tourists magic tricks, pulling cards out of your shirt, all the while they're emptying your pockets. A guy I met had his jewelry boosted while being shown a card trick!

Bait'n'Switch. One hotel scam I encountered in Saigon is to lure you to a room with the promise of a/c at a ridiculously low price. Some rooms have "dead" air conditioners. Most hotels require you to give them your passport, meaning you can't skip out if gypped.

Very cheap and very cheerful, Vietnam is the perfect antidote to an overdose of Tokyo life

Destination One: Hanoi, a poor man's Paris
Hanoi is a bizarre hybrid of rural urbanity. In a nutshell, it's gritty but green; the architecture is quaintly beautiful; and the people are friendly in that countryfied way, nicer than the folk in Saigon.

Stay in the Old Quarter; it's where all the budget hotels and most of the action are. From Noi Bai Airport, take a taxi (pay no more than USD10) or minibus straight to the Old Quarter. Have the hotel address ready - a good place to land is Queen Cafe, at 65 Hang Bac Street. Centrally located, QC is a cybercafe with cheap (if low-end) motel rooms, and if you don't like it there are plenty of other budget hotels nearby.

The Old Quarter resembles a series of rundown Paris side streets, covered by a canopy of jungle trees, swarming with people lugging buckets of produce around. All of this is surreally framed by white 1930s French villas, crammed one on top of the other with wherefore-art-thou-Romeo-style balconies. Cyclos, the pedal-powered Vietnamese version of rickshaws, are all over the place. Adding to the traffic are mopeds, motorbikes, and random dogs.

Smack-dab in the middle of the city is a beautiful tree-ringed lake. A French cafe and a jazz bar are on the northwest and west edges of the lake, respectively. Check 'em out - good cappuccino at the cafe, killer food at the jazz joint.

The sights, street markets, and throngs of Vietnamese are bewildering. Some bombed-out buildings still remain. The streets are fairly dirty - juveniles still use the gutter as a toilet, and the dogs ain't picky either - but every night, work brigades come out and sweep it spotless. During the day you've got makeshift sidewalk cafes, screeching street vendors, and grit of animal, vegetable and mineral varieties.

It's best to get around on foot - you will catch all the details and get some interesting photos. Cyclos are a cheap and excellent way to see the city and cover a little more ground. Make sure you negotiate the price before you get in. Most of the traffic in Hanoi is on two or three wheels. For the brave, you can rent bicycles or motorbikes from most budget cafes for a couple of bucks a day. Warning: the traffic is so hectic and unpredictable Nostradamus couldn't tell you how it works. Everyone drives as if they've got a terminal illness that's gonna kick in sometime tomorrow.

From Queen Cafe, a quick jaunt in any direction will lead you to a string of budget hotels and cafes which double as travel agencies. As distressed as the neighborhood is, cybercafes are all over the place. Weary backpackers hunch over beat-up monitors, sipping coffee in the blue glow of cyberspace. Bulletin boards overflow with information, and make sure you check out a copy of The Guide (the Tokyo Classified of all of Vietnam), which is available in most budget cafes. It's a wealth of information, all in English.

Most importantly, budget hotels and cafes are filled with fellow travellers, who can be milked for tips and info. Definitely do this, because things in 'Nam change on the fly, and the seasoned travellers will be one up on Lonely Planet. Australian backpackers seem to be the most adventurous - they had the most stories, tips and ideas. Each traveller had found some gem of an experience - a little village, an amazing market, a warmhearted family.

You're eager, aren't you? Eager and decent? Even if you're just a Cheapskate, you ought to head over to Vietnam. For those with open minds, and thin wallets, adventure awaits.

Coming soon: Part II. Hue, the ancient Capital, and Saigon: Ho Chi Sin City