RANT 'N' RAVE
Cross Training
Last weekend over cocktails, I
inadvertently offended my Japanese friends (as I often do) by posing a question that was
perceived to be rather rude. I only wanted to know if I could expect my Tokyo train to be
delayed in the unfortunate and all-to-inevitable event that someone had flung himself in
front of it. Now, I'm not an insensitive person. Believe me, I would be as sorry for that
poor severed-in-half fellow's family as the next guy. But let's face it - my missing the
first forty minutes of happy hour isn't going to bring him back to life.
If I seem a little hostile when it comes to the topic of commuting by train in Tokyo, I
have my reasons. I have been delayed. I have been crushed. I have absorbed elbows in the
ribs and have had my wing tips trampled. I have been forced to stare directly at eikaiwa
promotional ads for up to forty minutes at a time. I have had drunk people lean over and
slobber on me. In short, riding a train in Tokyo is often an experience indistinguishable
from spending an evening in a typical Roppongi night spot - only much cheaper and without
all that annoying music, which makes me wonder why I am complaining.
Eiji, a computer programmer pal of mine, has developed a hatred for the overcrowding.
"People are incredibly rude on the train," he says. "They shove you. The
elbow you. They spear you with their bulky packages and stomp on your feet. And it gets
even worse when the train is a little crowded."
For these and other reasons, traveling by train may put a foreigner in an awkward
position. The chance that the foreigner might accidentally engage in rude and offensive
behavior himself is greatly increased, which is probably the last thing he needs. So, as a
public service to those of you unfamiliar with the etiquette of train travel, the
following tips are provided.
1) Reading newspapers on trains is acceptable, but be sure not to hold
the newspaper in such a way that it hits the other passengers in the face. Also, refrain
from hitting other passengers in the face yourself.
2) Smoking is strictly prohibited on trains. If you must smoke, do it
discretely and be sure not to exhale until you've completely exited the train car.
3) The Silver Seat is reserved for the elderly and those who have
problems getting around. Avoid sitting in the Silver Seat at all times, unless you
actually want to talk to those kinds of people.
4) Don't attempt to read "over the shoulder" of another
passenger, no matter how interesting you find that porn magazine of his.
5) Those passengers who are standing will consider it rude if you are
taking up more than one seat, but they'll get over it.
6) If you fall asleep, be sure to wake up only seconds before the train
leaves your stop, forcing you to jump up and dash for the door, just barely making it
before it closes behind you. The other passengers will find this amusing and fun will be
had by all.
7) In general, try to avoid all contact with other people, such as
physical contact, eye contact, or verbal contact. This rule applies for almost all other
situations in Japan as well.
Many thanks to reader K.C. King for this Rant.
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