RANT 'N' RAVE
Lower Mathematics
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Illustration by Dot |
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Most of us can add, subtract, multiply and
divide. Some have the added ability to solve complex algebraic or geometric equations. A
select few reach an even higher plane and actually enjoy integral calculus and
trigonometry. Math is all around us and is the backbone to everything we do, but having
the ability to solve Fermat's theorem does little to help you get through everyday life.
As a hobby, higher mathematics can be fun and as a career, it can be potentially
rewarding. I would like to teach you some mathematical equations that are a lot more
practical for the world we live in. I call it "lower mathematics."
1) To calculate a person's optimal driving speed: D = 100 - A (where D is
the driving speed and A is your age)
Example: An 80-year-old man typically cannot (and should not) get the car going faster
than 20mph while a 20-year-old has no problem going 80mph. If you are over 100 years old
and still driving, do me a favor and call me before you head out on the road so I can make
sure to stay home.
2) Calculating your golf handicap: H = S + 2 (where H is the person's
handicap and S is the age they started to play golf)
Example: If you started playing golf from age 5, you will likely end up playing to a 7
handicap. The extra two points are because everyone lies about their handicap anyway.
3) Figuring the number of drinks you need to be totally hammered: D = W /
30 (where D is the number of drinks and W is your weight in pounds)
Example: If you weigh 125 pounds you need four drinks and a sip of the fifth to be totally
lit. If you're a full-figured guy and weigh in at 315 pounds, it'll take ten beers to tie
a good one on. For this equation I always prefer to round up to the next drink.
4) Calculating a woman's age: A = (M x 10) + G + D (where A is the
woman's age and M is the number of major credit cards and G is the number of gas cards and
D is the number of department store cards)
Example: If a woman has Visa, MasterCard, Amex, Exxon, Shell, Macys and Bloomingdales
credit cards, she is exactly 34 years old.
5) Calculating the number of children you will have: K = 600 / Q [If Q
100 add 2; if Q 99 subtract 2] (where K is the number of children you will have and Q is
your IQ)
Example: IQ Level of 150 (600/150) - 2 = 2 children
100 (600/100) - 2 = 4 children
60 (600/60) +2 = 12 children
The kid equation is likely to stir some controversy but I truly believe that someone who
has twelve kids would not be a big money winner on Jeopardy. "Birth control
for $300 please."
Many thanks to contributor Steve Bernstein for this Rant. |
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