RANT 'N' RAVE
New Joke City
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Illustration by Yukiko Leitch |
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Most New Yorkers just don't get it. Since
I returned to New York I have been barraged with inane questions about life in Japan.
People cannot fathom that I actually enjoyed living in Tokyo for five years. Their belief
is that the lifestyle is only slightly better than residing in a correctional facility
with no television.
Here are some of the comments I have heard and responses I desperately wanted to give but
didn't:
"Aren't you SO glad to be back?" (Yes, I have missed these riveting
conversations.)
"Wasn't it strange living over there?" (Of course, but after a while seeing
people commit seppuku gets to be no big deal.)
"I could never do that!" (And for that, the people of Japan are grateful. I
guess you will have to let that ambassador post slip another year.)
"You must hate rice by now." (No, actually I love rice, it is you I detest.)
"I have a friend who is Japanese, maybe you know him." (Let me guess, black
hair? Dark eyes? Medium height? Thin? Of course! He's my closest friend!)
"Is it difficult to get around?" (Definitely; have you ever tried to walk in
those wooden platform shoes?)
"Are you fluent?" (No I'm flatulent.)
You get the idea. No one ever asks me about the political situation in Japan or what the
culture is truly like. Even a question about Pearl Harbor would be a nice change. Now to
be fair (even though I don't have to be) I certainly know a lot more about Japan than I
did before I lived there, but at least I had some idea. Most Americans are clueless about
anything even remotely international. One guy in my New York office actually asked me how
long a car ride it is from Tokyo to Singapore! I told him that with no traffic, it would
be about three hours. He made a mental note and thankfully moved on.
I remember reading a few years ago the results of a survey given to Americans asking them
to name three famous Japanese figures. The answers tell it all: Godzilla, Yoko Ono and
Bruce Lee. At least now they would probably say Nomo.
If we surveyed Japanese people and asked them to name three prominent Americans, I am sure
the answers would be better than The Terminator, Engelbert Humperdink and OJ Simpson.
Don't misunderstand my point. I love New York. I grew up here and am happy to be back, but
it has been a harder readjustment than I had expected. There are glaring differences in
how New Yorkers view the world compared to our friends in Japan. The biggest difference is
that in Tokyo, people assume you are nice unless you prove otherwise. In New York
everybody assumes you are a jerk unless you either get out of their way or slip 'em a few
bucks.
In the future, I will not tell anyone that I have lived in Japan. Instead I will just say
that I returned from the Far East. They will take that to mean Montauk, Long Island and
probably move on.
Many thanks to contributor Steve Bernstein for this Rant.
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