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Illustration by Yukiko Leitch

This is less of a rant and more of a rave. And it is all directed to our hosts, the Japanese. Whether it is some dominant gene that they all have, or something they acquire from daily bowls of natto, I don't know, but I want it. I'm talking about the ability to sleep on the train. Fearless, these dozers are. Obviously they haven't been on the subway in New York. How they can sleep worry-free and still wake up for their stop is beyond me. I miss my stop half the time and I don't even sit down. But I am certain there must be something more to it.

If this ability is a gene, it is definitely dominant. There are certainly some recessive carriers around, because I have seen many a dead-tired salaryman sprinting to get to the train going the other way, having woken up five stops past where he wanted. But on the whole, it's amazing. They sleep through train turbulence, indeterminable smells, foot-stomping obaasan, cell phones ringing for hours, and still somehow manage to awake at the Tsugi wa Chofu desu garbled whisper coming from the speaker. That worries me even more, because the train driver usually has that not-too-thrilled-to-be-here voice that sounds more like sleep talk than an important announcement. I guess in the dream state, Japanese brain waves connect.

In America, there is a reason why we don't have this gene. The ones who had it have been weeded out. If we were fearless train dozers as well, there would be a lot less of us. Or at least a lot more naked, beaten, bagless dozers. So, this praise goes beyond the genetic makeup - it goes to the country as a whole. Maybe if the trains and subways were half as clean anywhere else as they are here, we would sleep, too.

Of course, I can't end this without at least some ranting. If this dozer gene is dominant, then the head control gene must be recessive. If only the dozers could keep their heads above their shoulders instead of on top of mine. They notice their station, but not the puddle of slobber they leave on my shoulder. If only their snoring was as easy to ignore as their Walkmans. If only I could sleep with them, too.

In the end, though, they are blessed. They have the dozer gene and a safe country to use it in. But, I'll tell you, if I was trapped on the Yamanote line, my luxury item would definitely be a gortex waterproof jacket.

Many thanks to TC readerAJ "Miyagi" Brustein for this Rant and Rave.

Got something to get off your chest? Send your 500-word rant by fax to 3423-6931, or by email to rant@tokyoclassified.com