RANT "N" RAVE
What sign are you?
 A few months ago, my boss
miraculously saved my life. I'll try to explain.
The building in which I work has five floors. I spend 80 percent of my time there on the
third floor. Occasionally, on fine days, my colleagues and I take our lunch in the
elevator to the top floor, where two-faced salespeople with telephones smile at us. From
there, we climb 15 steps to the rooftop, an open-air diner with a magnificent view of Mt
Fuji. It genuinely is a sight for sore eyes and, without fail, gives me an enormous
appetite.
On this particular day, as I started unwrapping my conbini bento, I saw a sign out of the
corner of my eye - a brand-new sign that read "Do NOT jump." Thank God someone
put that sign there. I was just about to jump off a five-story building (I'm serious)
without laying chopsticks on my fine cuisine. As with many other buildings in Tokyo, my
building is stands literally inches from three others. If I was ever determined to jump
off, half a second later I'd be stuck somewhere between the fifth and fourth floors. Of
course, that has the potential to kill me. Clearly, this is not one of my boss' concerns.
My point is that there are way too many signs here that are either nonsensical or
unnecessary. The other day, I woke up with an urge to count all the signs I came across on
my 45-minute commute - I obviously had nothing else to do and it kept me awake. There are,
to be exact, 937 signs.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition of "sign" is "an
object, quality, or event whose presence, or occurrence, indicates the probable presence
or occurrence of something else." That is, if the occurrence of someone jumping off
is probable, that "Do NOT jump" sign is a sign indeed.
Good signs and bad signs coexist, and bad signs can be hilarious. My girlfriend used to
live in a treasure trove of funny signs, a.k.a. a gaijin house. My favorite was the one on
her landlord's door: "If anyone calls about a room, please give them my keitai
number. They can touch me anytime." Instantaneously, I almost called him only to
fulfill my curiosity.
Incorrect Japanese-English is old news. However, keep in mind that English signs targeted
towards gaijin often make false accusations. I've seen a "Your piss aim in the
correct place" in a public restroom. At work, there is a big "Flush!" sign
in red. Gaijin do know to flush after taking aim and missing. What's next? Perhaps,
"Please proceed to work after you punch in." Or, "choose a floor and press
the corresponding-numbered button" in an elevator?
We live in a world where signs designed to make our lives easier complicate them instead.
So please tear down the signs that lead to chaos! At the same time, please continue
producing funny signs; they make my day. I hope there's a sign on the next rooftop I go
to.
Many thanks to Takashi Ito for this Rant.
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