X-Men: The Last Stand

Our multifaceted mutant mob of clawed, furry, magnetic storm-makers, flame-throwers, ice-throwers, injury-healers, mind-readers and energy-suckers has lost its mentor but must still do battle with a new Force of Evil in this philosophically pretentious second sequel…and they lose. The Mentor I’m talking about is X-Men 1&2 director Bryan Singer, who left to do Superman Returns, and the FoE is crap director Brett Ratner (Rush Hour 1&2, Red Dragon), whose disjointed, ham-fisted, frenetic-yet-bland approach circus-juggles a few too many mutants and subplots. Has to do with a new mutant kid whose body manufactures an antibody, a “cure” if you will, for mutants. The franchise’s message about it being okay to be different is all but buried in melodrama and soapy sentiment. Still, the nifty, SFX-laden action set pieces are fun on their own. Warning: a few major characters die. But don’t worry. Famke Janssen, who died in XM2, is written back in, but in a much scarier, reborn super-X-persona, so anything is possible. And the final scenes hint that this film’s very title is not necessarily accurate. (103 min)

Cinemas 2 26 56 61 70 90 96 99 102 107 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

I’m reminded of Woody Allen’s response to the question, “Do you think sex is dirty?”: “Only if you’re doing it right.” When the sexual status of the title character is discovered by his co-workers (Paul Rudd, Romany Malco and Seth Rogen), they make it their crusade to change it for him, offering questionable advice (“Date drunks”), setting him up with unsuitable babes, etc. But he’s really attracted to an over-40 single mother (expertly played by Catherine Keener—good chemistry). This crude but sweet-spirited sex comedy succeeds largely on Steve Carrell’s spot-on performance in the title role, helped greatly by the fact that, though this is a one-joke movie, the writers (Carrell co-wrote with director Judd Apatow) manage to come up with enough original tweaks to that joke (speed dating, detachable shower heads, condoms, straightforward “morning problems,” body waxing) to maintain momentum. What could have been just another Hollywood gross-out is surprisingly astute, actually insightful, and more than a little knowing. Lots of sight gags and one-liners, and one hell of a (musical!) ending. (115 min)

Cinema 117

Miami Vice

Irrelevant big-budget cop opera is immediate and stylish, but also overblown, self-serious, frequently padded and ultimately uninvolving. I’m not sure why it’s called Miami Vice. While the pastels of the fatuous ’80s TV show have been replaced by nearly monochromatic grays and blues, calling it “gritty” would be confusing that term with “grainy,” as in film stock (shot in HD video). Sin City is gritty. Still, there’s some fine-art photography that’s way better than the action. Not much violence, but a constant, nicely palpable potential for such. Anyone else getting tired of Colin Farrell? (132 min)

Cinemas 3 26 45 60 70 90 95 99 102 109 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

One Love

Inexpertly made Jamaican take on Romeo & Juliet has a Rasta reggae musician (Ky-mani Marley, son of Bob) falling for a straightlaced sweet Christian thing (Cherine Anderson) who gospel-sings like an angel, and the two having to deal with, in addition to her strict preacher father, some shady record producers (a redundancy in any culture) and some nasty voodoo types. The scenery is beautiful, the characters likable and the soundtrack cool, but it’s slow-moving, cliché-ridden and a bit goofy. Somehow, though, there’s this laid-back innocence to it that makes you want to keep watching. (100 min)

Cinema 19

The Winds of God—Kamikaze

Jeez, where to start? Two less-than-successful American (one half-Japanese) stand-up comics are killed in a motorcycle accident in 2005 but wake up 60 years earlier, in Japanese bodies, in a kamikaze pilot training camp in Kagoshima. I’m not making this up. They know the future, but their pleas fall on deaf ears, and gradually they get to know their fellow students and learn that they are just regular Joes (or Taros and Jiros or something), and empathize. Full of the kind of emoting (mostly making faces) that is called acting in Japan, and it’s done in that universal language: broken English, which is especially grating when the characters swear (a lot). It’s by turns asinine, mawkish and preachy. There’s also religious moralizing and a lot of screaming of things like, “It is my duty!” Writer/director/actor Masayuki Imai (who seriously overestimates his writing, directing and acting talents) has obviously poured his soul, and probably his life savings, into this film, and his heart’s in the right place. It is an antiwar film. So it is with regret that I must say such nasty things about it, but, well, it is my duty! (120 min)

Cinema 64

Dogora

French director Patrice Leconte is clearly an auteur who thinks his farts is art. He puts out one film a year, but apparently in 2004 he was busy vacationing in Cambodia, so—what the hell—he gave us his home movies instead. Consists of long takes, usually using an extreme telephoto, of Cambodians (or, as often as not, the backs of their heads) sleeping, pedaling, paddling, walking, picking through garbage, sewing, looking around, looking at the camera, looking away. There’s no dialog, but it’s set to this ponderous, glaringly inappropriate, Stalinist-style music. Doggerel is more like it. (75 min)

Cinema 101

Match Point

Woody Allen doesn’t cast himself in his new flick (nor is there a neurotic surrogate), it’s not set in New York (but London), no older men cavort with young girls, and it’s not even a comedy, unless you’re hugely cynical about human nature. What this wicked, sexy thriller is is a return to form for the iconic director and one of the best movies of the year. None of the characters is particularly likable. Social-climbing tennis pro (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) is wooing the daughter of an upper crust British family (Emily Mortimer) but can’t keep his eyes (or his hands) off her brother’s American fiancée (Scarlett Johansson). I won’t tell you any more, but it’s about the tangled webs we weave, the part that luck (good, bad, dumb) plays in the lives we fancy ourselves in control of, and the perils of getting what you wish for. Several vicious little plot twists and an ending you’ll be unprepared for. Cinematographer Remi Adefarasin adds a nice Hitchcockian flavor. (124 min)

Cinemas 41 100

United 93

We knew there would someday be commercial movies on this subject, and this first such film, while a knuckle-biter, is thankfully lacking in sensationalism or sentimentality. It is of course the story of a passenger revolt that may or may not have happened aboard the fourth hijacked plane on 9/11, the one that failed to reach its target of the White House or the Capitol building. Writer/director Paul Greengrass offers no character development for these unlikely heroes, and hired no big names to play them. It’s like they’re, well, people you’d meet on a plane. And the military and air traffic personnel on the ground are largely playing themselves. The terrorists are not unduly demonized; there are no politics or preaching. It’s commercial but not exploitive, and it’s as accurate and factual as it is possible to be, pieced together from black box recordings and cellphone calls. When the lights came up I was surprised to notice that every muscle in my body was tense and that there were tears streaming down my face. An overused term, but this is a must-see. (108 min)

Cinemas 7 26 57 61 90 96 99 102 109 110 112 113 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

Hustle & Flow

This is the movie 50 Cent imagined he was making. Writer/director Craig Brewer’s film, a fresh take on the old a-star-is-born, underdog-triumphs clichés, is the story of a pimp and drug dealer (an Oscar-nominated performance by Terrence Howard—Crash, Ray) with whom we somehow sympathize, and how art has the power to redeem. The heart of the film is when we are taken through the fascinating process of creating from scribbled notes a full-fledged, quite infectious hip-hop single (the Oscar-winning “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”). More than a little moving, and with a satisfying ending. (114 min)

Cinema 8

The Last Trapper

Brilliantly filmed movie about Norman Winther, who lives off the land in the Yukon, hunting and trapping fur animals in his birch-bark canoe, building log cabins and dog-sledding around photogenic snowscapes. Fascinating guy; as a straight doc, this may have won awards. But misguided filmmaker Nicolas Vanier decided to write a phony script and have Norman play himself. Bad idea, ay? Stalls whenever conversation starts. He becomes increasingly irritating as he moralizes about protecting nature. It’d be comical were it not so preachy and sanctimonious. Did I mention that the photography’s nice? (94 min)

Cinemas 8 42

Hard Candy

This high-wire act of a movie has 32-year-old Jeff (Patrick Wilson—Angels in America) arranging to meet 14-year-old Hayley (an absolutely astonishing Ellen Page), the girl with whom he’s been carrying on a harmless little on-line chat. She innocently suggests that they repair to his place. Sure, Jeff’s a pedophile, but he knows where the line is drawn, and he’s not going to do anything stupid. But don’t even begin to think you have an inkling of an idea what’s going to happen. Let’s just say that the title of this highly effective, well-made film is inspired. Not to mention the poster photo, of a little red-hooded girl standing in the middle of a monstrous wolf trap. It’s a hard, somewhat sadistic sit, but once it’s got you it’s impossible to turn away, despite the fact that it’s difficult to really identify with either character. It is at the same time a blunt moral lesson and a kinky revenge fantasy; it’s anti-pedophilia, but also undeniably exploitative. Nevertheless, it’s engrossing as it is repellent, and totally original. (103 min)

Cinema 20

Over the Hedge

CG creature caper is cute, funny, a bit satirical, and contains the obligatory moral message about the importance of family, but don’t expect Finding Nemo. To coin a phrase, this is (it hadda happen) a digitally animated B-movie. The plot, about cute, hungry wild animals doing battle with human pest exterminators in suburbia, is decidedly thin, and it suffers from the too-recognizable voice talent syndrome (Bruce Willis, William Shatner, Nick Nolte). Still, it’s a high-energy, consistently amusing kiddie-pleaser with a green message that won’t bore parents. Did I mention cute? (84 min)

Cinemas 1 27 40 65 71 90 96 102 109 111 112 117 119 125

Stoned

Prototypical self-destructive rock star Brian Jones (nicely played by Leo Gregory) was a driving force behind the fledgling Rolling Stones and perhaps responsible for their signature woven twang. And he deserves a good cinematic rendering of his life, and his death by drowning in 1969 shortly after being fired by the band. This is not it. This morose, flat, formulaic biopic buys into allegations, based on a deathbed confession, that Jones had in fact been murdered. There’s plenty of sex and drugs (where’s the rock ‘n’ roll?), but little momentum or style as it plods by in a blur. (104 min)

Cinemas 33 71 96 109 112 120

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Sequel shares the original’s strengths as well as its weaknesses: it’s ungainly, repetitive and way too long. But every scene with Johnny Depp sparkles with his swishy wit (give that makeup person an Oscar!). The rest is mostly melodramatic padding involving Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom. Gripes aside, there’s still plenty of popcorn fun of the coyote/roadrunner variety, notably the hamster wheel and Sparrow-kebab sequences. Also Bill Nighy with a squid on his face. Arrrgh! (155 min)

Cinemas 1 4 8 23 27 40 47 60 65 70 71 82 90 95 96 99 102 107 109 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

Transamerica

Observant, quietly humorous movie about an introverted, pre-operative transsexual in L.A. (a devastatingly convincing performance by desperate housewife Felicity Huffman—a woman playing a man playing a woman). She’s on the verge of getting rid of that wangly-dangly thing when she learns that she has a teenage son in a New York jail for street hustling. She flies there posing as a social worker, and the two embark on a road trip back to California. It’s a film with a lot of heart that’s not afraid to inject a little surprisingly effective slapstick whenever things get too anguished. (103 min)

Cinemas 41 91

Heidi

I knew I was in trouble when the opening credits said this version of the heartwarming 19th-century story was made by a company with the somewhat Orwellian name of “Suitable Entertainment,” but I didn’t expect anything quite this toxic. Alleged director Paul Marcus wastes a good cast (Max von Sydow, Geraldine Chaplin, Diana Rigg), and I couldn’t believe that the cloying title character, who cheers the elderly, saves the kittens, heals the lame, ad nauseam, is the same Emma Bolger who was so good in In America. Nice scenery, but stale, superficial and emotionless. Made me want to get a drink. (104 min)

Cinemas 49 64 100

Mission: Impossible III

Where the original TV show’s appeal lay in the Impossible Mission Force going in with stealth, accomplishing its mission and getting out before the bad guys even knew they had been screwed with, my gripe is that the movie versions have merely used the title (and of course Lalo Schifrin’s unforgettable theme music) as an excuse to blow stuff up and fight a lot in a James Bond rip-off. But this third movie pays homage to the show’s stealthy origins, at least in one segment, and gets points for that. And those ubiquitous latex masks, a screenwriter’s crutch if there ever was one, are kept to a minimum, so a few more points. Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the cool, cruel villain doesn’t hurt, and there’s a more coherent narrative. But Tom Cruise’s increasingly weird public personality is making it harder for him to inhabit a character, if he ever could, and while this popcorn movie moves along at a brisk pace, there’s little in it you haven’t seen before. Hormonally speaking, testosterone yes, adrenalin no. (126 min)

Cinemas 2 3 7 11 26 45 51 60 61 70 90 95 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

Cars

Hotshot rookie racecar Lightning McQueen (voice of Owen Wilson), on his way to the Big Race, gets into trouble in an old ‘50s Route 66 town bypassed by both the interstate and time, and has to do some community service before he can be on his self-important way. While waiting, he meets a girl, a lovely Carrera named Sally (Bonnie Hunt—should have called her “Portia”), makes friends with a tow truck (Larry The Cable Guy), a low-rider (Cheech Marin), a hippie van (George Carlin), a smooth Caddy (Jennifer Lewis), and a crusty old Hudson Hornet (Paul Newman), who Lightning later learns was once a champion racecar himself. And he learns a few Life Lessons about teamwork and friendship. I know. Seen it before. But the genius in Pixar’s latest offering is in the thousands of beyond-clever details and humor, and in the near-photorealistic graphics, if indeed desert formations that look like tailfins and hood ornaments can be called realism. While lacking the emotional punch of Toy Story or The Incredibles, it’s fast-moving and satisfying. Stay for the closing credits. Big screen, please. (122 min)

Cinemas 2 26 51 56 61 70 90 95 96 99 102 109 111 112 114 115 116 117 118 120 125 126

Got something to say about this article? Send a letter to the editor at letters@metropolis.co.jp.

Listen to the Metropolis Podcast, the coolest guide to what goes on this week in Tokyo.

Looking for international friends? Check Japan, Inc. Friends now - it's 100% free!