Hard Candy

This high-wire act of a movie has 32-year-old Jeff (Patrick Wilson—Angels in America) arranging to meet 14-year-old Hayley (an absolutely astonishing Ellen Page), the girl with whom he’s been carrying on a harmless little on-line chat. She innocently suggests that they repair to his place. Sure, Jeff’s a pedophile, but he knows where the line is drawn, and he’s not going to do anything stupid. But don’t even begin to think you have an inkling of an idea what’s going to happen. Let’s just say that the title of this highly effective, well-made film is inspired. Not to mention the poster photo, of a little red-hooded girl standing in the middle of a monstrous wolf trap. It’s a hard, somewhat sadistic sit, but once it’s got you it’s impossible to turn away, despite the fact that it’s difficult to really identify with either character. It is at the same time a blunt moral lesson and a kinky revenge fantasy; it’s anti-pedophilia, but also undeniably exploitative. Nevertheless, it’s engrossing as it is repellent, and totally original. (103 min)

Cinema 20

Over the Hedge

CG creature caper is cute, funny, a bit satirical, and contains the obligatory moral message about the importance of family, but don’t expect Finding Nemo. To coin a phrase, this is (it hadda happen) a digitally animated B-movie. The plot, about cute, hungry wild animals doing battle with human pest exterminators in suburbia, is decidedly thin, and it suffers from the too-recognizable voice talent syndrome (Bruce Willis, William Shatner, Nick Nolte). Still, it’s a high-energy, consistently amusing kiddie-pleaser with a green message that won’t bore parents. Did I mention cute? (84 min)

Cinemas 1 27 40 65 71 90 96 102 109 111 112 117 119 125

Stoned

Prototypical self-destructive rock star Brian Jones (nicely played by Leo Gregory) was a driving force behind the fledgling Rolling Stones and perhaps responsible for their signature woven twang. And he deserves a good cinematic rendering of his life, and his death by drowning in 1969 shortly after being fired by the band. This is not it. This morose, flat, formulaic biopic buys into allegations, based on a deathbed confession, that Jones had in fact been murdered. There’s plenty of sex and drugs (where’s the rock ‘n’ roll?), but little momentum or style as it plods by in a blur. (104 min)

Cinemas 33 71 96 109 112 120

Awesome: I Fuckin’ Shot That!

This indelicately titled “authorized bootleg video” of a Beastie Boys concert in Madison Square Garden was made by distributing 50 video cameras to the audience and telling them to “keep rolling.” Must’ve been a crazy post-production editing session, likely fueled by a lot of coffee and/or related drugs. It’s a musically adventurous idea for a movie, but except for a few fun surprises, the results are all over the place, understandably bouncy, of course amateurish and, while immediate, not even a little coherent—about what you might expect from an amped-up BB audience. If you’re down with the Beasties, you’ll probably dig it; it’s a film for (and by) fans. If you’re not, it may look like a group of graying, 40-something, track-suited white Brooklyn “boys” trying to be black by yelling “Aw, yeah!” a lot at a hopped-up audience of 20-somethings. And then doing it some more. Scratch DJ Mix Master Mike is pretty impressive, though. Fans only, please. (90 min)

Cinema 20

Dust to Glory

You want car chases? Dana Brown (Step Into Liquid) will give you car chases. This dynamic documentary captures the contained madness and pure adrenalin rush of the 32-hour countercultural plane crash known as the Baja 1000, the world’s longest non-stop, point-to-point motor race. The rules are few: anyone can enter, on virtually any vehicle, from $2 million, 800-horsepower trophy trucks and dirt bikes of all sizes to pre-1982 Volkswagen Beetles. It’s like the Paris-Dakar rally on uppers. If you finish at all, you’re a winner. Writer/director Brown uses more than 50 cameras, providing everything from swooping, helicopter-eye views to glimpses of what the drivers see through cameras mounted on cars and bikes. One focus is on dirt biker Mike “Mouse” McCoy, who elects to do the entire 1,000 miles solo. And Brown narrates the whole thing in the casual, folksy manner that he clearly inherited from his surf-movie-legend father Bruce (The Endless Summer). Hell of a ride. (97 min)

Cinema 19

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Sequel shares the original’s strengths as well as its weaknesses: it’s ungainly, repetitive and way too long. But every scene with Johnny Depp sparkles with his swishy wit (give that makeup person an Oscar!). The rest is mostly melodramatic padding involving Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom. Gripes aside, there’s still plenty of popcorn fun of the coyote/roadrunner variety, notably the hamster wheel and Sparrow-kebab sequences. Also Bill Nighy with a squid on his face. Arrrgh! (155 min)

Cinemas 1 4 8 23 27 40 47 60 65 70 71 82 90 95 96 99 102 107 109 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

Curious George

This film adaptation of the classic children’s books is done in uncluttered, almost antique animation using a bright, pastel palette and featuring the voice talent of Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore, Joan Plowright, Dick Van Dyke and Frank Welker (doing the title character’s chitterings), and some uplifting songs by Jack Johnson. You will not enjoy this movie, because you are over the age of four and can read. But the little ones will love every frame, even as it makes their parents go nighty-night. It’s refreshingly uncool, with a welcome lack of pop-cultural commentary and not a single in-joke. (86 min)

Cinema 33

Transamerica

Observant, quietly humorous movie about an introverted, pre-operative transsexual in L.A. (a devastatingly convincing performance by desperate housewife Felicity Huffman—a woman playing a man playing a woman). She’s on the verge of getting rid of that wangly-dangly thing when she learns that she has a teenage son in a New York jail for street hustling. She flies there posing as a social worker, and the two embark on a road trip back to California. It’s a film with a lot of heart that’s not afraid to inject a little surprisingly effective slapstick whenever things get too anguished. (103 min)

Cinemas 41 91

Midnight Movies: From the Margin to the Mainstream

El Topo, Pink Flamingos, Eraserhead, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Night of the Living Dead and The Harder They Come have little in common, save perhaps their willingness to push the sexual/violence/taste boundaries of their time (mostly the ‘70s). And the fact that they were only shown at midnight at a few far-sighted independent countercultural cinemas. This smart little documentary is an absorbing look (at least for students of film, and maybe sociologists) at what makes a cult film (you can’t set out to make one, silly; they’re made by audiences, usually drug-fueled or of dubious taste, or probably both), an examination of each of the above films, and some talking-head discussions involving everyone from Roger Ebert to John Waters on how they influenced today’s movies. But I’m not sure this influence, while undeniable, was as great as this homage imagines. Is it art or scatological crap? Nevertheless, it’s fascinating to watch a younger Romero, Waters et al at work, and this movie will teach you things you do not know. (86 min)

Cinema 25

The Descent

Six young lady spelunkers enter an unexplored cave system in this visceral British creeper. Their entrance path caves in, and they have to find a way out. I was happily enjoying this as an action-suspense flick when they first perceived that (spoiler alert!) the cave might not be, strictly speaking, uninhabited. Things get creepier as the plot deepens and we get our first glimpse of the slimy, pointy-toothed humanoid inhabitants. Lots and lots of blood. A roller coaster that only goes down. Above average if you’re into horror, with great multi-channel sound and edgy music. Take a flashlight. (99 min)

Cinema 24

Fragile

In this drearily predictable Spanish-produced haunted hospital flick, a shrill Calista Flockhart (as a pill-popping, down-and-out replacement nurse with issues) learns that there is life after death (if not after Ally McBeal). Leg-breaking, medical-brace-attired ghost that looks like a drag-queen cadaver apparently does not want the kids to leave the creepy, soon-to-be-closed hospital. It’s stock dark-and-stormy-night stuff throughout, poorly written and acted. There are a couple of okay shivers, but mostly the usual, off-the-shelf “boo” moments. And it’s really noisy, so you can’t even nap. (101 min)

Cinema 1

The Family Stone

Tightly wound, perfectly groomed (okay, anal) New York career woman (Sarah Jessica Parker) accompanies her boyfriend (Dermot Mulroney) home for the Christmas holidays to meet his liberal, closely knit family—all at once. They (Diane Keaton, Craig T. Nelson, Luke Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Ty Giordano, others) react like a pod of orcas to a baby seal. And the more she tries to be liked, the less likable she is. It’s screwball and it’s thoughtful, and works thanks mostly to the spot-on performance by Parker and the skillful avoidance of overt manipulation by writer/director Thomas Bezucha. (102 min)

Cinema 52

Heidi

I knew I was in trouble when the opening credits said this version of the heartwarming 19th-century story was made by a company with the somewhat Orwellian name of “Suitable Entertainment,” but I didn’t expect anything quite this toxic. Alleged director Paul Marcus wastes a good cast (Max von Sydow, Geraldine Chaplin, Diana Rigg), and I couldn’t believe that the cloying title character, who cheers the elderly, saves the kittens, heals the lame, ad nauseam, is the same Emma Bolger who was so good in In America. Nice scenery, but stale, superficial and emotionless. Made me want to get a drink. (104 min)

Cinemas 49 64 100

Mission: Impossible III

Where the original TV show’s appeal lay in the Impossible Mission Force going in with stealth, accomplishing its mission and getting out before the bad guys even knew they had been screwed with, my gripe is that the movie versions have merely used the title (and of course Lalo Schifrin’s unforgettable theme music) as an excuse to blow stuff up and fight a lot in a James Bond rip-off. But this third movie pays homage to the show’s stealthy origins, at least in one segment, and gets points for that. And those ubiquitous latex masks, a screenwriter’s crutch if there ever was one, are kept to a minimum, so a few more points. Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the cool, cruel villain doesn’t hurt, and there’s a more coherent narrative. But Tom Cruise’s increasingly weird public personality is making it harder for him to inhabit a character, if he ever could, and while this popcorn movie moves along at a brisk pace, there’s little in it you haven’t seen before. Hormonally speaking, testosterone yes, adrenalin no. (126 min)

Cinemas 2 3 7 11 26 45 51 60 61 70 90 95 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

Fever Pitch

The Farrelly Brothers venture a long way indeed from There’s Something About Mary territory with this unabashedly schmaltzy, formulaic romantic comedy from a book by Nick Hornby (High Fidelity, About a Boy). The Meet Cute happens in winter, the Emerging Problem not apparent until March, when Drew Barrymore learns that Jimmy Fallon is the most rabid of Boston Red Sox fans, and the Conflict Resolution, interestingly enough, is played out during that miraculous Sox-Yanks AL playoff series in October 2004. It’s above average for the RomCom genre, but I hope Bobby and Peter go back to disreputable soon. (98 min)

Cinema 35

Live Freaky! Die Freaky!

Nothing new here, just another clay-animation musical reenactment of the Sharon Tate murders by the Manson family. Using lots of red clay. Graphically depicts clay-puppet sex, the cutting of fetuses out of wombs, stabbings and beheadings, and lamely satirizes women, gays, ecologists and the media. There’s no reason for all this proudly presented bad taste, and I wasn’t as much outraged by its puerile content (as intended) as offended by its juvenile banality. I don’t know what kind of person finds this entertaining, but I fervently hope I never meet one. Am I being vague? Do not see this movie! (75 min)

Cinema 19

Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis

There are good zombie movies, like 28 Days Later, and there are bad zombie movies, like, well, like this brain-sucking Romanian/Ukranian effort. Features an apparently constipated Peter Coyote in the mad defense-corporation scientist role, and the requisite clutch of poorly acted, vaguely annoying, soon-to-be-bitten “American” teenagers, this time with faintly Eastern European accents. But it at least makes an attempt at originality with things like a barbecued zombie rat, fetal clone zombies, and even a mom and pop pair of robo-zombie uber-soldiers (those wacky defense corporations!). Ick. (90 min)

Cinema 43

Silent Hill

Paralyzingly vague plot in this self-serious computer game adaptation has a concerned mother taking her creepy daughter to the scene of her nightmares, an eerie town atop a 30-year-old coal-mine fire. There they encounter burning coal people, faceless zombie nurses, rat-sized flesh-eating insects and (gasp!) religious fundamentalists. She should have stayed home. So should you. A solid half hour of exposition toward the end just makes things murkier. Nicely ambiguous ending, but you’ll first have to sit through two mind-numbing hours of gore, cheesy dialogue and, title aside, much screaming. (126 min)

Cinemas 4 30 47 63 90 96 102 109 110 112 115 116 117 118 119 120 125 126

Tideland

A huge disappointment, this darkly gothic Alice in Wonderland from Terry Gilliam (Brazil, 12 Monkeys, The Fisher King—but also the recent Brothers Grimm turkey). I’ve previously described Gilliam as a “poet of decay,” but this one takes the pink potato. Here’s a glimpse: The good news is that Jeff Bridges is in it. The bad news is that only in the first quarter is he not a progressively hideous decomposing corpse! Taxidermy is involved. And severed dolls’ heads. The juvenile morbidity sputters along and gets stale fast, only very occasionally relieved by something actually happening. (122 min)

Cinemas 7 100

Cars

Hotshot rookie racecar Lightning McQueen (voice of Owen Wilson), on his way to the Big Race, gets into trouble in an old ‘50s Route 66 town bypassed by both the interstate and time, and has to do some community service before he can be on his self-important way. While waiting, he meets a girl, a lovely Carrera named Sally (Bonnie Hunt—should have called her “Portia”), makes friends with a tow truck (Larry The Cable Guy), a low-rider (Cheech Marin), a hippie van (George Carlin), a smooth Caddy (Jennifer Lewis), and a crusty old Hudson Hornet (Paul Newman), who Lightning later learns was once a champion racecar himself. And he learns a few Life Lessons about teamwork and friendship. I know. Seen it before. But the genius in Pixar’s latest offering is in the thousands of beyond-clever details and humor, and in the near-photorealistic graphics, if indeed desert formations that look like tailfins and hood ornaments can be called realism. While lacking the emotional punch of Toy Story or The Incredibles, it’s fast-moving and satisfying. Stay for the closing credits. Big screen, please. (122 min)

Cinemas 2 26 51 56 61 70 90 95 96 99 102 109 111 112 114 115 116 117 118 120 125 126

Layer Cake

Stylish, cynical and compulsively watchable British gangster flick is reminiscent of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels but with less slapstick and darker, more deadpan humor. Call it more Goodfellas. Daniel Craig is the unnamed “good guy” drug dealer, conservative and competent, whose wry voiceover describes what works in the criminal world, and what doesn’t. He’s backed up by a killer supporting cast that includes Colm Meaney, Michael Gambon, Kenneth Cranham and Sienna Miller. Directed with confidence by Matthew Vaughn, this one never loses its momentum or comes anywhere close to predictable. (105 min)

Cinema 25

The Da Vinci Code

Dan Brown’s inescapable 60-million-seller raised the literary bar for hackneyed, hoax-based hokum. Perhaps, even on this level, the necessary suspension of disbelief is easer to achieve from the written word than from the filmed script. The Big Revelation, involving a cover-up that would disastrously undermine the Catholic Church’s very reason for existing, was greeted with laughter at Cannes. Ron Howard’s direction is fine, the performances by Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou are pretty good (while Ian McKellen steals all his scenes and Paul Bettany is constantly over the top as the albino monk assassin). It seems rushed, but at the same time the verbose and frequent explanations sap any suspense that’s created, turning this page-turner into a watch-watcher. And somehow it’s simply sillier. Rome has called for a boycott, which will only boost the film’s profits. I’d worry less about the negative image this kind of drivel gives the church, and more about why so many people are so willing to be entertained by a goofy Catholic conspiracy. (150 min)

Cinemas 2 3 10 11 26 45 60 70 90 95 96 99 102 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

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