Memoirs of a geisha

Yes, yes, it’s a gorgeous adaptation of Arthur Golden’s Kyoto-style Cinderella tale, and yes, it’s notably the first big Hollywood movie to feature all Asian actors, etc. But you don’t read this page for the PR reprints, so let’s get to it. The Japanese are upset because Chinese actresses were cast in the leads. But this is what happens when you emphasize young and cute over talent in your entertainment industry, so tough. Rob Marshall (of the overrated Chicago) has fashioned a beautiful thing to look at, the screenplay is adequate (if you’ve read the book), and all these fine actors (Zhang Ziyi, Gong Li, Michelle Yeoh, Ken Watanabe) act their hearts out. But it’s all sabotaged by the decision to film the thing in English. Stiff, studied, language-school English. At times I felt as though I were in an ESL class for beautiful and/or talented Asians. Usually one gets over this kind of cinematic linguistic device, but it continually kept me from enjoying the performances and emotions. It would have been more effective (if less globally marketable) had it been filmed in Japanese and subtitled. Called Sayuri in Japan. (144 min)

Cinemas 4 5 30 48 63 81 90 95 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

The Corporation

The hook in this fascinating and thorough documentary from Mark Achbar and Jennifer Abbott is half-mockingly subjecting a corporation, which is legally defined as a person, to psychoanalysis. It was found to be hypocritical, fickle, greedy, deceitful, incapable of admitting guilt, and lacking regard for the well-being of others. In other words, a certifiable psychopath. At 2:25 it’s long for a documentary, but this is a big, complex and global subject that is, after all, the dominant institution of our times. I was frequently enlightened, occasionally entertained, and never bored. (145 min)

Cinema 38

Dear Wendy

Danish auteur Lars von Trier enjoys pointing out what’s wrong with America (though he’s never been there), and his latest effort (as a writer) is this trite and simplistic approach to the country’s complex relationship with guns. Has to do with a somewhat precious group of pistol-packing misfits who call themselves “pacifists with guns.” This misguided and insufferably smug piece of navel-gazing offers numerous shallow insights, no depth, no humor and rotten timing from its dramatically absurd beginning to its inevitable, overdramatic and clumsily staged gunfight ending. Cheap shot. (101 min)


Cinemas 35 49

Lords of Dogtown

This dramatic retelling of the events chronicled in Stacy Peralta’s excellent Dogtown and Z-Boys, though written by Peralta and directed by Thirteen’s Catherine Hardwicke, doesn’t really do anything the documentary didn’t do better. The narrative is stop/start, the characters sporadically interesting but two-dimensional, and the question is, why bother when you can rent the documentary? But Heath Ledger puts in a nice turn as drunk/stoned skateboard catalyst Skip Engblom and likewise Rebecca De Mornay in what they call a “courageous” role as a burned-out surfer mom. Rent the doc. (107 min)


Cinema 20

Noel

Chazz Palminteri has done an astounding thing here. He’s assembled a truly stellar cast for this sad and lonely Christmas mix pic (Susan Sarandon, Alan Arkin, Penélope Cruz, Paul Walker, Robin Williams and Marcus Thomas) and then proceeds to bore your socks off. It’s a big Yuletide snore from its clichéd beginning, through its unlikely subplot and time-frame intersections, right through to its falsely redemptive ending. Go ahead; call me a cynic. But this calculating tearjerker is so gooey and contrived that even nice people will gag on it. And by the way, have a Merry Christmas. (96 min)


Cinema 44 91 116

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

There’s some debate as to whether this Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie vehicle is a romantic comedy or a funny action thriller, or perhaps both (a marital martial arts flick?), as it alternates between sly and clever comedy and banal Hollywood action set-pieces (the director is Doug Lyman, who gave us The Bourne Identity). None of the above, really. It’s mainly a chance for the fans of these two extremely good-looking people to watch their idols have fun together. The central conceit is that John and Jane Smith (probably not their real names) are both, unbeknownst to each other, world-class hired assassins. Trouble starts when they are assigned, separately, to hit the same target, learn each other’s secret, and must be killed. Think War of the Roses with Uzis and plastic explosives. It’s all very, very Hollywood, rich in double entendres and with sizzling chemistry between the combative couple, but it’s fun (if forgettable) if you don’t think about it too much. Vince Vaughn puts in a nice turn as Brad’s boss. (120 min)

Cinemas 2 3 10 26 56 61 70 90 95 96 99 102 107 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The first two cutesy and overstuffed Chris Columbus movies were merely setups for the excellent third installment, by Alfonso Cuarón. Number three was better adapted and decidedly darker. But now, Harry, Ron and Hermione (Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson), who have battled giant spiders and snakes, braved evil forests and even girls’ toilets, are up against their greatest and most frightening challenge: the hormonal bewilderments of puberty. Oh, and by the way, a regenerating Voldemort, chillingly if only briefly portrayed by Ralph Fiennes. The fourth film, directed by Mike Newell (Donnie Brasco, Four Weddings and a Funeral), is a lot of fun, but its forward motion is halted several times to play with SFX, mostly related to the Tri-Wizard Tournament, an inter-school chance for budding wizards to flex their wands, and this doesn’t exactly make for smooth storytelling. But it’s a Harry Potter movie, and such narrative-busting arrangements are to be expected. Though overfilled, this Goblet continues the third film’s brilliant descent into darkness. Brendan Gleeson, as Mad-Eye Moody, is a constant scene-stealer. Not for little kids. (157 min)

Cinemas 1 4 5 23 27 40 47 60 65 70 71 81 90 95 96 97 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

Into the Sun

Steven Seagal’s latest is this hilarious, direct-to-video (and Japanese theaters) “ya-KOO-za” thriller, filmed in Tokyo and funny as a severed pinky. The first time I’ve ever been joined by my Japanese fellow critics in a derisive guffaw was when The Great Pony-Tailed One yells, “Bakayaro!” He also produced, scripted and even (I am not making this up) wrote the songs and sings over the closing credits! He wears a Nehru-collared, flab-concealing overcoat throughout, and is that a rug? Edited with a meat cleaver; characters are introduced (“You again, eh?”) and then ignored. I want the DVD. (97 min)

Cinemas 2 51 61 109 116 118

Meet the Fockers

Sluggish sequel to the 2000 sit-com Meet the Parents takes Greg Focker (Ben Stiller), his fiancée and her parents to Florida to meet his parents. Her dad (Robert De Niro), you will remember (or maybe not), is a no-nonsense ex-CIA agent. But his folks are aging hippies, and oil to her parents’ water. Sparks are supposed to fly, but aside from a few grins prompted by the over-the-top performances of Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand as the title caricatures, the jokes are all obvious and/or repetitive (I mean, how many times can the name Focker really be funny?). Fock it. Waste of talent. (115 min)

Cinemas 99 113 114

Pobby and Dingan

Rite-of-passage flick from Peter Cattaneo, who made The Full Monty but also the not-very-funny Lucky Break, had me scratching my head. Little Kellyanne’s two imaginary friends, Pobby and Dingan, disappear while visiting her dad’s dig in Australia’s opal capital of Lightning Ridge.
Then she develops a mysterious illness when they cannot be found, so her big brother elicits the town’s help in finding them. Then she decides they’re dead, and everyone troops up to the cemetery for their funeral. There must not be a lot to do in Lightning Ridge. Probably appeal more to South Australian opal miners. Also known as Opal Dreams. (100 min)

Cinema 100

Four Brothers

Director John Singleton, whose first film was the excellent boyz’N The Hood but who is also responsible for drivel like Poetic Justice and pure crap like 2 Fast 2 Furious, here returns to middle ground with this solid urban revenge thriller. The four “sons,” two black and two white, of a career foster mother are reunited when she is killed in a Detroit convenience store robbery. As youths, each of these bad boys was so incorrigible that she had adopted them because no one else would. As adults, they are not much nicer and certainly not sit-idly-by types. Then they begin to suspect that her death was not accidental. This ensemble piece features a strong lead performance by Mark Wahlberg and includes Tyrese Gibson, Andre Benjamin and Garrett Hedlund as the other three bros. Terrence Howard is a cop who grew up with the brothers, and Chiwetel Ejiofor an effective villain. This propulsive action-revenger is not perfect, but it does the job better than most, with a ’50s western feel and a visceral kick. I was entertained. Fine Motown music. (109 min)

Cinemas 7 57 102 113 116 118 120

Cube Zero

The original Canadian movie Cube (1997) was wonderfully original, minimalist and quite fascinating, for a math-based horror movie. The 2002 Cube 2: Hypercube didn’t (couldn’t, really) match the mystery of the first, though it added time to the shape’s three dimensions and stood on its own if you hadn’t seen the original. The same could be said of Cube Zero, a prequel of sorts, which takes us outside the cube and focuses, in addition to the flamboyant deaths taking place inside the six walls, on a pair of techies tasked to monitor the gruesome, gory, grisly goings-on. Wheels within wheels. (97 min)

Cinemas 4 43

Enduring Love

Creepy little “ethical thriller” by Roger Michell is an intelligent adaptation (by screenwriter Joe Penhall) of an Ian McEwan novel about a man (an excellent Daniel Craig), already upset about a freak ballooning accident he witnessed and feels he could have prevented, being stalked by a fellow witness, an erotomaniacal religious nut (Rhys Ifans as one of the scariest psycho-villains in recent memory) who continually professes his (and God’s) love for him in the most inconvenient of times and places. It’s complex, cerebral and even metaphysical. Also Samantha Morton and Bill Nighy. (100 min)

Cinema 52

Serving Sara

I was not aware that there was a competition underway to make movies worse than Gigli. Why else would anyone bankroll this unspeakably awful 1:39 of seriously not-funny cow-pie? Not to mention hiring has-beens Matthew Perry (Friends chief cheeseball, using a variety of fake accents) and Elizabeth Hurley. Perry is a process server assigned to serve a divorce summons to Hurley. She pays him more to serve her husband first. They hit the road; they fall in love (no chemistry); they engage in bull masturbation, the already-horrible film’s nadir. I am not making this up. Didn’t smile once. (99 min)

Cinemas 43 117 119

In Her Shoes

Sure, all the main characters are women, but to dismiss this latest film from Curtis Hanson (L.A. Confidential, Wonder Boys, 8 Mile) as a mere “chick flick” would be a tragic oversimplification. Because once you get past the first few sitcom-ish setup scenes, you’ll find yourself in the middle of a constantly changing dynamic that rises above the usual family-bonding formula. It’s about two diametrically opposite sisters—Cameron Diaz as Maggie, a sexy, lazy, directionless party girl, and Toni Collette as Rose, a motivated, hardworking lawyer. After a particularly egregious social error (sleeping with her sister’s boyfriend), Maggie splits for Florida to bunk with their long-lost grandma (Shirley MacLaine playing the same tough cookie she usually plays these days, but an absolute rock in this movie), where, well, things begin to change. Hard to say which actress puts in the best performance. This intergenerational audience-pleaser has style, but substance as well, and it works on many levels. The emotions are genuine, and the tears you may shed at the end are earned. (130 min)

Cinemas 11 34 50 61 90 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

Dark Water

If this latest adaptation (by Walter Salles—The Motorcycle Diaries) of a J-horror flick doesn’t quite click, it does offer a palpable sense of evil, fine atmosphere and superb acting, and its off-kilter nature keeps you guessing. A damp Jennifer Connelly (it’s always raining) is trying to hold on to her sanity while fighting a custody battle for her daughter (Ariel Gade) and dealing with the strange goings-on in her new apartment. Like that malevolent, dark water stain spreading in the bedroom ceiling. John C. Reilly, Tim Roth and Pete Postlethwaite offer amusing supporting performances. (105 min)

Cinemas 2 10 26 56 60 70 90 95 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

Elizabethtown

Cameron Crowe’s (Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous) latest is not a romantic comedy, but it is romantic and it’s funny and a lot more. If you have the patience. Gigantically failed, suicidal marketer of sports shoes (Orlando Bloom) visits the Kentucky hometown where his popular dad has recently died during a visit. It’s city slicker meets country relatives, not to mention a maniacally perky Kirsten Dunst, who is determined that he will fall in love with her. Not Crowe’s best, but it’s big-hearted, dialogue-driven and quite worthwhile, the plusses outweighing the obvious flaws. Great music. (125 min)

Cinemas 3 11 26 45 61 70 90 95 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119

Inside Deep Throat

This amusing, occasionally enlightening look at how, in 1973, a not-very-good, mob-funded little porn flick (even its director, Gerard Damiano, calls it “crap”) became the most profitable motion picture of all time ($25,000 to make; grossed $600,000) thanks almost entirely to government censorship. Directors Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato’s (The Eyes of Tammy Faye) examination of the film is more scattershot than profound, but it’s not preachy and on the whole smart and enjoyable. Dennis Hopper narrates; interviewees include John Waters, Dick Cavett, Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and many more. (92 min)

Cinema 99

Millions

Danny Boyle, director of the druggie comedy Trainspotting, the gruesome Shallow Grave, and the frightening 28 Days Later, now turns his talents (and those of screenwriter Frank Cottrell Boyce) to this intelligent, kid-friendly little miracle. It’s about two young brothers finding a quarter-million pounds just 12 days before Britain goes euro and it all becomes worthless. Seven-year-old Damien (Alex Etel), who collects (and sees) Christian saints like sports stars, wants to give it to others. One of the film’s greatest charms is the cameo appearances of St. Francis of Assisi and several other rather scruffy haloed advisors. His more fiscally grounded, 9-year-old brother Anthony (Lewis McGibbon) thinks real estate might be a better bet. Or possibly the currency markets. But how do you go about disposing of such an amount when you’re still in single digits, age-wise? And, oh yes, the criminals (who else carries around that kind of cash?) want their money back. This is an emotionally complex, big-hearted and generous movie. It’s sweet, even joyous; but thanks to Boyle’s dependable irreverence, never sappy. You’ll feel rich. (98 min)

Cinema 20

Into the blue

This underwater romp is an example of a genre (the adventure movie) that is usually hampered by excessive SFX and unlikely stunts. The story, about love, sunken treasure and greed, breaks no new ground but is at least grounded in reality. The script doesn’t challenge anyone’s modest acting abilities (harder to ham it up 80 percent of the time underwater), but it for the most part avoids insulting your intelligence. The movie also delivers on its poster promises with many, many scenes of Jessica Alba (or, for those so inclined, Paul Walker) with not a lot of clothing on. (110 min)

Cinemas 112 116 117 118 119 120

Without a paddle

Or a rudder. Or a clue. Or a shred of originality. Or any conceivable reason for seeing this loathsome, desperately unfunny pile of bear pucky. Three 30-something city slickers in their early teens (Matthew Lillard, Seth Green, Dax Shepard) go treasure-hunting in the Oregon forest, get lost, etc. Crappy acting (Bart the Bear puts in the most convincing performance, as a bear), crappy direction (Steven Brill also made Little Nicky and Mr. Deeds) and crappy writing. Repeatedly and tediously exploits Deliverance-style homophobia for laughs. Am I being too subtle? Don’t see this movie! (95 min)

Cinema 43

The Merchant of Venice

No room here to tell you the plot if you don’t already know, so read the play. Remarkably, this is the first time this Shakespearean comedy has been filmed since talkies were invented, and its uncomfortable anti-Semitism is the obvious reason. But it’s also the play containing the classic “If you prick us, do we not bleed?” line, so go figure. The problem is that the Shylock character (Al Pacino) was an evil buffoon in the 1590s original, but here (and now) he’s played, necessarily, as a sympathetic, tragic figure, with feelings and wounds, who is ultimately ruined and deserted. Thus we have scenes of lighthearted love and merriment juxtaposed with those of a human being (acting, it must be said, as most of us would in similar circumstances) being totally crushed, and the result is jarring. All that said, this is a wondrous, fine-looking (filmed in Venice) adaptation by Michael Radford (Il Postino, Dancing at the Blue Iguana), in which Pacino absolutely outshines the rest of the cast. Given the state of religious intolerance in the world today, this “comedy” remains deeply relevant. (138 min)

Cinemas 8 96 119

The Brothers Grimm

Since Terry Gilliam, a poet of decay, is one of my favorite directors, I wanted to like this more than I did. It looks great, and it’s endlessly creative, but it’s scattershot. There’s no real plot to hang all this inventiveness on, and it gets a little (maniacally) tedious. The story, such as it is, presents the Grimm Brothers (Heath Ledger and Matt Damon, having a bad hair movie and sporting the worst British accent in recent memory) as sort of 18th-century, con-artist ghostbusters who are hired (forced, actually) to deal with some real, and really evil magic. It’s all just, well, silly. (118 min)


Cinemas 29 55 62 82 71 95 99 107 109 110 111 112 113 114 116 117 118

If I Should Fall From Grace: The Shane MacGowan Story

The most amazing thing about this poet, who, with The Pogues, breathed new life into contemporary Irish music, is that he’s still alive, given that he’s clearly trying to kill himself on a daily basis with booze, tobacco and drugs. Sarah Share’s uneven but interesting documentary captures the essence of the singer/songwriter and his life (no mean feat), though subtitles wouldn’t have been a bad idea, given his constant state of extreme drunkenness and having no front teeth. And he has the world’s strangest laugh. Not for everyone, but a must for music fans. (91 min)

Cinema 32

The Pacifier

This puerile rip-off of Kindergarten Cop, a one-joke movie that wasn’t all that funny either, is directed by Adam Shankman, who’s reportedly being sought by police for inflicting upon us The Wedding Planner and A Walk to Remember. The surprise-free plot’s too tedious to go into here, but basically it has Navy SEAL Vin Diesel babysitting four kids. They resist; they fight; they bond. Vin might have pulled off this attempt at genre-switching had there been a trace of taste, continuity, decent writing, rhythm or credibility to back him up. For thumb-suckers only; parents it’ll give a headache. (95 min)


Cinemas 1 27 40 71 82 96 102 112 120


Saw II

Saw had two guys chained to a public toilet with only one unthinkable, coyote-trap way out. Se7en meets Cube. Though unconvincing and fairly yucky, it had the virtue of minimalism. This psycho-slasher sequel lacks even that, with several bewildered victims waking up in a locked room slowly filling with sarin gas (!). Their captor, a character named “Jigsaw” with an apparent flair for set decoration, is the kind of serial killer that exists only in the minds of 2nd-rate serial killer flick screenwriters. They fight, they kill, they throw up a lot. Manufactured suspense, unforgivable violence. (100 min)


Cinemas 6 60 99 102 113 114 118

Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride

This merrily morbid, pleasingly perverse cadaver comedy, a Halloween valentine from that wonderfully whimsical wacko Tim Burton, has to do with a nervous groom-to-be practicing his vows in a graveyard and mistakenly placing a wedding ring on the desiccated hand (looked like a twig sticking out of the ground) of a murdered bride, visiting the underworld, pining for his real (i.e., living) bride and finally putting things right. It’s done in stop-action animation, a refreshingly non-digital technique, and is absolutely awesome. Burton has rarely been in better form, and his tricks are a real treat. The living world appears cold and drab; whereas the underworld is more brightly colored and, well, lively. It’s not a horror story. The bride is not a villain, just dead (loved the maggot). There’s lots of sly humor, and all but the smallest kids will dig it. And as in the very best fairy tales, beneath all the intrigue, flash and action, there’s a core of truth. Voice cast includes Johnny Depp, Emily Watson, Helena Bonham-Carter, Richard E. Grant, Albert Finney and Tracey Ullman. (76 min)

Cinemas 5 30 47 63 90 96 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

The Door in the Floor

Based on the first third of John Irving’s A Widow for One Year, which went on to span four decades, this is the tale of two fairly unlikable, mean-to-each-other characters (Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger) whose marriage is on the rocks, as seen through the eyes of a young man (Jon Foster) they’ve hired for the summer and who becomes the catalyst to bring an end to this warped dynamic. Despite some nice, wry humor and moments of sharp intelligence, this depressing spellbinder is not for everyone. But it’s a wonderful chance to watch Bridges and Basinger do what they do best. (111 min)

Cinema 100

Hukkle

This hypnotic, ominously bucolic little film from director Gyorgy Palfi at first seems like nothing more than an original look at the fabric of daily life in a rural Hungarian village. There’s practically no dialogue, but some nicely droll humor. Close-ups, stop-frame photography and the superb sound challenge you to look at things in a different way. It’s clear that this one is going to move at its own, unhurried pace, but it’s never dull, and there’s always something unexpected. Like that dead body you just thought you saw. Be patient and watch this little gem closely, and you will be rewarded. (75 min)

Cinema 36

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Well, when it comes to children’s stories, you just can’t go wrong with the playfully dyspeptic Roald Dahl (James and the Giant Peach, Matilda). And you couldn’t wish for a better director of a Roald Dahl story than Tim Burton (Batman, Mars Attacks, Big Fish). Johnny Depp is the reclusive, hilariously quirky and vaguely menacing chocolatier Michael Jackson. Sorry, Willy Wonka. Add to this fractured fairy tale the talented kid Freddie Highmore from Finding Neverland and David Kelly from Waking Ned as his grandpa, and you’ve got a sweet, if slightly creepy, winner. Squirrels, too. True, this cautionary tale was filmed once before, in 1971 as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but rumor is that Dahl hated that watered-down, sweetened-up version. I think he’d like this one. The sets are awesome, with chocolate waterfalls and flying elevators, and the workforce Oompa Loompas (all played by a CG-replicated Deep Roy) contributes some amusing musical numbers (lyrics by Dahl, music by Danny Elfman). This one’s a sugar rush. (115 min)

Cinemas 5 30 47 63 90 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

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