By Don Morton

Bad News Bears

Why? Why a remake of one of history’s most successful underdog stories, maybe even the prototypical sports formula movie? Okay, so Billy Bob Thornton does a passably good job in the Morris Buttermaker role, playing it as a kind of off-season Bad Santa and avoiding acting too much like Walter Matthau. But the movie relies on him overmuch, and the rest is firmly so-so. Greg Kinnear is neither smug nor villainous enough as the winning-is-all opposing coach, the kids are irritating rather than cute, Marcia Gay Harden is wasted, and there’s no Tatum O’Neal. And I hope Richard Linklater, one of my favorite directors, uses the paycheck he’s obviously in this for to make more movies like School of Rock, Before Sunset and Waking Life. So why pay to see a remake when a rented 1976 original would be so much better and more satisfying? I don’t know. Neither does this movie. (113 min)

cinemas 7 57 102 114 116 117 118 120

Guess Who

Purports to be a race-switching remake of 1967’s Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, but more resembles Meet the Parents. This salt-and-pepper buddy movie walks the cusp of vapid and stays comfortably away from the tightrope of its interracial theme. The black actors are all good. Bernie Mac is funny as papa, Judith Scott spot-on as his wife, and Zoe Saldana is luminous. But Ashton “Duh” Kutcher poisons every scene he’s in (nearly all) with a performance so inept that it had me yearning for the finely nuanced work of, say, Keanu Reeves. This is a sitcom that could’ve been a sharp social satire. (106 min)

Cinema 117

Primer

This Sundance-praised, rule-breaking head-scratcher from engineer-turned-filmmaker Shane Carruth (produced, directed, wrote, shot, scored and appears in) is about a pair of engineers who accidentally invent a time machine. They experiment and soon learn that you can get into trouble screwing around with the fourth dimension. “I haven’t eaten since later this afternoon.” The oblique, often opaque and fragmented screenplay is nearly incomprehensible, but it’s not at all dumbed down, and it may (or may not) require a second viewing. All in all, a remarkable achievement for the $7,000 it cost to make. (77min)

Cinema 37

Pursued

Direct-to-video thriller featuring over-the-hill actors who do lots of less-than-prudent things in an apparently police-free state. The phenomenally dull Gil Bellows (of Ally McBeal) is a Silicon Valley start-up genius who is being headhunted by a laughingly over-the-top Christian Slater, whose recruitment techniques do not rule out (nya-hah-hah!) murder. Perfect in the role of gullible-beyond-belief wife is the generally clueless Estella Warren. The plot holes, from the recruiter’s encyclopedic knowledge of his prey to the precise nature of the start-up product, are too numerous to mention. (96 min)

Cinema 43

Vacuums

You’ll be shaking your head and muttering, “What were they thinking?” The stage percussion group Stomp, in a monumentally bad group career move, appears as the workers in two rival vacuum cleaner factories who occasionally do percussive battle. (Also known as Stealing Bess and the wonderfully opportunistic Japanese title, Stomp’s Beloved Vacuum Cleaner.) Be warned: Stomp only appears for about five one-minute sequences. The rest is the worst cinematic excrescence I’ve seen in decades, and that’s going some. If Stomp wanted to do a movie, why not a performance flick? I’d pay to see that. (94 min)

Cinema 36

Cinderella Man

If Ron Howard’s depiction of seven years (1928-35) in the life of Depression-era boxer James Braddock ends up there with Raging Bull, Rocky, Fat City and Million Dollar Baby, it’ll be because of the spot-on performances of Russell Crowe, as a good man in a tough business, and Paul Giamatti, as his trainer. Renee Zellweger plays his long-suffering wife with a deft touch, and Craig Bierko offers a somewhat scary, just-over-the-top portrayal of heavyweight champ Max Baer, who had apparently already killed two men in the ring. The fight scenes are as brutal and compelling as anything ever filmed, with each fight ratcheting up the intensity. This convincing and gratifying Oscar-baiter is richly textured and full of period details, but it sags outside the ring, and pretty much follows the underdog-movie formula, though there is one fine dramatic scene where a destitute Braddock goes hat-in-hand to a club frequented by his former high-rolling promoters. Howard’s best effort to date. (144 min)

cinemas 4 5 23 47 60 70 81 90 95 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 115 116 117 118 119 120

Fantastic four

It’s a pity that this most popular of Marvel comic books has been made into such a lousy movie. For one thing, it’s all set-up, detailing in tedious, whiny, soap-opera fashion how upset the stretchy guy, the invisible girl, the fiery guy and that stony thing are about having to shoulder their new superpowers. The dated SFX are so few that you could fit them all into a longish TV ad. Maybe that’s the point. It’s wildly uneven, the script’s inane, there’s no rhythm, the direction’s hackneyed and the acting stinks (except perhaps for Michael Chiklis as The Thing). Fantastic Snore. (106 min)

Cinemas 2 10 26 45 60 90 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 115 116 117 118 119 120

Nothing

Waiting for Godot meets The Twilight Zone. Ever wonder what a comedy from oddball Canadian director Vincenzo Natali (Cube, Cypher) would be like? This is the Kafkaesque, inter-dimensional story of a pair of Toronto losers (David Hewlett and Andrew Miller) who discover that they can “hate away” the things that are troubling them. But is this a blessing or a curse? What if they start getting on each other’s nerves? Remember, they can only erase, not create. Outstanding, low-budget set design. And I love the note at the beginning that this is “based on a true story.” (89 min)

Cinema 24

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Well, when it comes to children’s stories, you just can’t go wrong with the playfully dyspeptic Roald Dahl (James and the Giant Peach, Matilda). And you couldn’t wish for a better director of a Roald Dahl story than Tim Burton (Batman, Mars Attacks, Big Fish). Johnny Depp is the reclusive, hilariously quirky and vaguely menacing chocolatier Michael Jackson. Sorry, Willy Wonka. Add to this fractured fairy tale the talented kid Freddie Highmore from Finding Neverland and David Kelly from Waking Ned as his grandpa, and you’ve got a sweet, if slightly creepy, winner. Squirrels, too. True, this cautionary tale was filmed once before, in 1971 as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but rumor is that Dahl hated that watered-down, sweetened-up version. I think he’d like this one. The sets are awesome, with chocolate waterfalls and flying elevators, and the workforce Oompa Loompas (all played by a CG-replicated Deep Roy) contributes some amusing musical numbers (lyrics by Dahl, music by Danny Elfman). This one’s a sugar rush. (115 min)

Cinemas 5 30 47 63 90 96 99 102 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

A Good Woman

Intellectually and emotionally satisfying adaptation of Oscar Wilde’s Lady Windermere’s Fan. It’s been transplanted from Victorian London’s salons (written in 1892) to 1930s Amalfi (fine scenery), and the two main characters, the young lady Windermere (Scarlett Johansson) and the gold-digging Mrs. Erlynne (Helen Hunt), now targeting Mr. Windermere, are now Americans. But remaining the same are Wilde’s wry witticisms on love and marriage, on class and human nature (though the film is so low-key, you have to be on the alert for them). Tom Wilkinson sparkles as the humorously cynical Tuppy. (93 min)

Cinema 41

Faster

Straightforward infomercial on 500cc MotoGP motorcycle racing consists mainly of insane riders and racing-circuit insiders rambling on about stuff that only people already into the sport would understand or even care about, and footage mostly of people tumbling off motorcycles at 200-plus kph. Don’t expect social anthropology, personality or philosophy, as in Dogtown and Z-Boys or Riding Giants. This is about going fast. Around and around circuits in Europe, Japan and Malaysia (they all look the same). And then around and around some more. This film will convert few and bore many. (103 min)

Cinema 16

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Don’t panic. Resistance is useless. So long and thanks for all the fish, and don’t forget your tea towel. If the preceding means precisely nothing to you, I suggest you pick up and read Douglas Adams’s five-book “trilogy” before you try on this movie. The Guide began as a radio show, then came the books (this is taken mostly from the first), then a BBC TV series. Fans of HGTTG will not be disappointed, but if it fails to quite measure up, it’s a matter of tone that’s hard to transfer to film, innit? Brilliant casting, especially Martin Freeman (from The Office) as Arthur Dent. Mostly harmless. (109 min)

Cinemas 99 113

Stir of Echoes

Fairly effective if not exactly groundbreaking ghost story quietly builds suspense while eschewing cheap-thrill “boo” moments. Blue-collar guy (the always dependable Kevin Bacon in his best performance in years) gets hypnotized at a party, after which he starts having strange experiences, including, yes, seeing dead people. Although the denouement is a tad unsatisfying, there’s some original and unsettling imagery (one making use of a fingernail) and a nice sense of menace. You could call it an earthier, working-class Sixth Sense. Also Kathryn Erbe, Illeana Douglas and Zachary David Cope. (99 min)

Cinema 43

Be Cool

You know those people who try so hard to be cool that they’re very not? This is one of those made into a movie. It’s the kind of retread that gives sequels a bad name. Actually, the word “sequel,” reviled as it is, is too good for this unfocused, forced collection of cute scenes and situations. Maybe “addendum.” I haven’t read the Elmore Leonard novel from which it was made, but hope for Elmore’s sake that it’s better than this self-referential bore. Probably seemed funnier at the screenplay-conference stage. It’s as though it was written for its big-name cast (John Travolta, Vince Vaughn, Uma Thurman, Harvey Keitel, The Rock and Steven Tyler as himself) rather than for the audience. So-called “plot” has Chili Palmer (Travolta), who in 1995’s Get Shorty came to Hollywood from Miami as a leg-breaker and stayed to become a movie producer, now wanting to get into the music business. Snore. What it is is lazy, aimless, rhythmless, unmotivated, feeble, pointless and flat. What it’s not is cool. (118 min)

Cinemas 2 51 61 99 102 109 111 116 117 119 120

Bomb the System

While most people see graffiti artists as tiresome vandals and their work as urban blight, they usually see themselves as brave, rebel-chic guerrilla artists (we learn that real taggers, as they’re called, only use stolen spray paint). This film-schoolish effort from NYU grad Adam Bhala Lough (clearly influenced by Darren Aronofsky), which clearly takes the latter view of this obsessive subculture, has a nice edge, a gritty realism and a scruffy charm that’s unfortunately sabotaged by the self-absorption of the main character (Mark Webber), a stale script and a cliché-ridden story. (91 min)

Cinema 32

TOP GUN

Why should you go to the re-release of this 1986, big-sunglasses macho, Navy recruiting film? Well, (1) it still has some of the best aerial dog-fighting scenes ever filmed. (2) It’s a fresh opportunity to appreciate how simplistic the plot is when the planes aren’t zooming around, and a fine example of zero chemistry between romantic leads. (3) Experience again Tom “Maverick” Cruise’s wooden performance, especially when measured against Val “Iceman” Kilmer’s finely nuanced one. (4) Listen to some nostalgic music that will take (a) you right into the danger zone and (b) your breath away. (110 min)

Cinemas 44 117 118 119

Kinsey

Dr. Alfred A. Kinsey set out to study, to calibrate human sexual behavior, simply because no scientist had done it yet, and ended up shining a light into the dark morass of rumor, ignorance and religious misinformation that once defined our attitudes toward sex. Kinsey’s books, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1947 and a female counterpart in 1953, were revered and reviled, but shattered taboos and some say led to the sexual revolution. In this thought-provoking, entertaining film written and directed by Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters), Liam Neeson puts in a performance in the title role even better than his Oskar Schindler, and Laura Linney matches him scene-for-scene as the good doctor’s wife. Also Peter Sarsgaard, Timothy Hutton, Oliver Platt and John Lithgow. There’s a lot packed in here, with tantalizing subplots only glimpsed and some fine, quiet humor, but it’s intellectually challenging and rich in ideas, and will certainly lead to some interesting post-cinematic conversations. (118 min)

Cinemas 1 41 96 109 111 112 116 117 120

Bewitched

Not another big-screen regurgitation of a small-screen show, but the story of a present-day TV remake of “Bewitched.” Fatuous, has-been actor (Will Ferrell) agrees to be the Darrin character if he can choose a nobody for the Samantha role and grab all the attention for himself. The irony, or what passes for it, is that he chooses a real witch (Nicole Kidman). He’s funny, she’s charming, but there is an absolute lack of magic between them. I confess I found myself enjoying it on a certain level; not necessarily because it’s that good, but because I had anticipated it being much worse. (102 min)

Cinemas 1 29 31 55 62 71 82 90 95 96 99 102 107 109 110 111 112 113 115 116 117 118 119 120

Land of the Dead

As a horror movie, zombie-movie creator George A. Romero’s latest effort is not all that scary. Zombies don’t do “Boo!” moments; they’re scary because they’re relentless. This time, they can learn on a rudimentary level, and cooperate. There’s little suspense, and the storyline lacks ambition. But as droll social satire, always a part of Romero movies, it shines. Dennis Hopper is this Trump-like leader of the uninfected, ruling over a high-rise for wealthy people, while the rest struggle in the heavily guarded streets below, and the zombies are the oppressed masses. Cool makeup. (93 min)

Cinemas 2 7 26 57 96 99 102 109 110 111 113 116 117 118 119 120

Bondi Tsunami

I’m not even sure this is a movie. Maybe BGV or MTV. I’m pretty sure it’s not a surfing movie; that would involve scenes of actual surfing. And possibly babes. This self-described “stylish chill-out music video motion picture” follows three Shibuya types as they, well, live the Australian surfer lifestyle. There’s this slightly over-cool, laid-back, philosophical voiceover (Eng. subtitles) that belies the antics on the screen. Whatever. It’s mostly a likeable and fun, high-energy, psychedelic mood piece with some nice imagery and a cultural texture that can be enjoyed on a number of levels. Or ignored. (91 min)

Cinema 39

I Heart Huckabees

Where to start? This likable, frequently amusing waste of time from David O. Russell (Flirting with Disaster, Three Kings) would be impossible to describe if I had ten times the space. How about a surreal, ecology-themed existential comedy? A pretentious, overwritten absurdist farce? A satire of pretentious, overwritten absurdist farces? An intelligently incomprehensible cerebral carnival? Never mind. This audacious, high-energy romp should be clearly labeled “Not For Everyone,” but if you’re in the mood for some fun cinematic experimentation, by all means, take it in. Don’t worry if you don’t get it. I still have no idea what it was about. In fact, if you understand all the pseudo-psycho-mumbo-jumbo in this film, you probably need to get your head examined. Whatever else, it’s brilliantly cast, notably Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman clearly having fun with their parts as a bizarre pair of “existential detectives.” Also Jason Schwartzman, Jude Law, Mark Wahlberg, Naomi Watts and Isabelle Huppert. (106 min)

Cinemas 7 100

Rhyme & Reason

Love it or hate it, hip-hop music is here to stay, so you might as well learn somethin’ bouddit, nodimesain? This historical, sociological and entertaining 1997 documentary says it’s not just music; it’s a way of life. Stated more elegantly by one of the interviewees, it’s how you “walk, talk, live, dress, act, see, smell, fart, s**t and f**k.” Indeed. Through interviews with rap stars and street-corner wannabes, we learn about the East/West Coast rivalry, break dancing, freestyle and how this high-energy, Bronx-bred, live-for-today street music inevitably interacted with the evil Record Industry. (91 min)

Cinema 32

Madagascar

In this furry, computer-animated effort, a quartet of well-fed and pampered Central Park Zoo animals (Marty the Zebra, voice by Chris Rock; Alex the Lion, Ben Stiller; Gloria the Hippo, Jada Pinkett Smith; and Melman the Giraffe, David Schwimmer) manage, through plot machinations too complex to go into here, to get themselves stranded on the title island, where the momentum bogs down seriously (despite the voice-talent of Sacha Baron Cohen—Ali G!—as king of the lemurs). There, after missing a few feeding times, the lion’s natural culinary instincts begin to prevail (never had the slightest clue where all those zoo sirloins were coming from), and he starts to slide into a Mr. Hyde thing, looking at the zebra as something more than his best friend. It’s savvy, manic, cute, spirited, amiable and passably amusing, tossing cinema-referential jokes at Planet of the Apes, Cast Away and even the National Geographic Channel. Most of the good jokes are throwaways. Shrek or Toy Story it’s not, but it’s gleefully innocuous and the kiddy crowd will love it. I had fun.

Cinemas 1 27 40 65 71 82 96 99 102 112 116 117 118 119 120

Mother Teresa

One of the 20th century’s outstanding figures, Mother Teresa was a visionary and a model of compassion and strength as she battled poverty, disease and prejudice with one hand and Vatican bureaucracy with the other. Got no problem with that. But cinematically speaking, this Italian TV hagiography (in English, starring Olivia Hussey) is an unholy bore. Lots of close-ups of Hussey’s caring eyes, dialogue clunky beyond belief, plodding plot and inspirational BGM every ten minutes. Conceivably used as punishment for kids who didn’t learn their catechisms properly (can’t you just whip me a little?).

Cinema 52

Seed of Chucky

If after Child’s Play, Child’s Play 2, Child’s Play 3 and Bride of Chucky you still need to read a review to find out if you want to spend money on something called Seed of Chucky, you’ll have to look elsewhere, because I’m invoking the “Life’s Too Short” clause every film critic has in his or her contract (or should) and skipping it. This time it’s apparently a horror/comedy effort, which are usually neither scary nor funny, having to do with a film that’s being made about Chucky’s past excesses. Stars Jennifer Tilly and the rapper Redman, both playing themselves. This one shoots blanks.

Cinemas 36 43

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Stupendous, it is. George Lucas finally brings full circle the Shakespearian space opera he launched long, long ago in 1977 (and at the same time makes up for the disappointing Episodes I and II). It provides no answers, for the simple reason that we already know what’s going to happen. What it does, and brilliantly, is provide the details of how Anakin Skywalker loses his way and gains great power only by destroying everything he is trying to save. Granted, Hayden Christensen is not the strongest actor to take on this central role, but he does okay, and it could’ve been a lot worse. Fittingly, the SFX set a new standard for realism and sheer vividness (yes, even better than LOTR). No video-game races, no phony clone multitudes. It’s fast-paced and packs an unexpected emotional punch. Sure, it has some clunky dialogue, but (sorry, George) it wouldn’t be a Star Wars movie without clunky dialogue. Special honors to Ian McDiarmid as Chancellor Palpatine.

Cinemas 2 3 7 10 11 26 45 57 60 61 70 81 90 95 96 99 102 107 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120

War of the Worlds

It began life in 1898 as an H.G. Wells novel, had its first reincarnation as an Orson Welles radio broadcast in 1938 that caused panic in the streets (and decades of research on mass hysteria), followed by the 1953 Hollywood movie that pretty much set the standard for sci-fi thrillers of the day. It also spawned a late ’80s TV series, a Marvel Comics series and even a musical. So now it’s probably ready for the Big Time, meaning Steven Spielberg, Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning, and it promises to be one of the loudest motion pictures ever made. Powerful tripod war machines (one of the few aspects retained from the 1953 effort) turn up on Earth (but they’re not from Mars this time—probably a diplomatic thing), and dockworker Cruise does battle to protect his family. I haven’t seen it yet, as there were no press previews, but I’ll have a more opinionated review for you in a few weeks.

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