By Don Morton

Sideways

Alexander Payne, who makes films that gently and humorously satirize American life (Election, About Schmidt), cements his reputation as the Director to Watch These Days with this lovable, constantly amusing human comedy. Miles (a never-better Paul Giamatti—American Splendor) and Jack (Thomas Hayden Church), two middle-aged college chums, head for California’s wine country for a weeklong bachelor party. Miles is a sad-sack divorcé who hides from life behind his encyclopedic knowledge of wine. The magic of this character is that, loser or not, many of us will in some way see something of ourselves in him. Jack, on the other hand, considers almost any wine just fine and is more concerned with getting laid one more time before marriage. They hook up, in decidedly different ways, with two wine-country women, Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh, and, well, life happens. The comedy is unforced, the characters completely believable, the wine info authentic, and the music’s pretty cool. I didn’t want it to end, and would see it again.

Cinemas 99 101

Shark Tale

It hadda happen. I’ve been entertained and enchanted by these new CG animations since Toy Story. And this latest effort from Shrek makers Dreamworks has all the necessary animated flash, sight gags, stellar voice cast (Will Smith, Renée Zellweger, Jack Black, Robert De Niro, Angelina Jolie & Martin Scorsese) and a funny central joke (a vegetarian shark). But it never quite comes together, and I was not transported by this Godfather meets Jaws. Finding Nemo already used the joke, its watery plot is unfocused, there’s relentless product placement and too many in-jokes that kids won’t get.

Cinemas 1 29 31 55 62 82 90 95 96 99 101 109 110 111 112 113 114 120 130

Mean Girls

Not just another Heathers, this is a well-informed, real-issues feminist movie that is also very funny. Working from a sharp script by SNL writer Tina Fey and based on the non-fiction Queen Bees and Wannabees, you could call this Clueless with teeth. Home-schooled-until-16 Cady (Lindsay Lohan) is raw meat to the hormonal, peer-pressure hell that is high school. Being smart, she sides with the nerds, but accepts on their urging an invitation to join the top clique as a spy, only to be tempted to go over to the Dark Side. Despite third-act compromises, this is, like, way better than most teen flicks.

Cinema 8

Anaconda 2

In this earnestly dumb time-waster, several good-looking people with “Eat Me” on their foreheads become snacks for CG snakes. The acting profession does not suffer. They’re seeking the “Perennia Immortalis,” a flower that halts aging (“This could be bigger than Viagra,” offers one helpful if obvious-belaboring evil pharmaceutical company man). You gotta love a film that has lines like: (scream from the jungle) Young thing: “What’s that?!” Gravel-voiced, croc-rasslin’ riverboat captain: “Somethin’ gettin’ eaten. Everything gets eaten out here. It’s a jungle.” See it. But get drunk first.

Cinemas 4 43 101

Young Adam

In one of his most challenging and richly textured roles to date, Ewan McGregor plays a brooding, rather unlikable bargeman in Scotland in the early ‘60s. The film opens when he and Peter Mullen fish the body of a young woman out of Glasgow Bay and report it to the police. But as this darkly effective, even Dostoyevskian tale unfolds, an alarming series of revelations hints that that perhaps the amoral Adam knows more about the woman than he lets on. It’s sinister, character-driven and original, and features some fairly vicious sex and a riveting performance by chameleon Tilda Swinton.

Cinema 36

Beyond the sea

Bobby Darin was no Ray Charles or Loretta Lynn, but he made his mark, and while you may not think his life and career warrants a feature-length bio-pic, producer/director/actor Kevin Spacey does, perhaps obsessively so. This mixed bag is conventionally structured, following the singer from pop music (“Splish Splash”) through Big Band (“Mack the Knife”) to folk protest (don’t ask). Spacey plays the singer (and does his own singing!), though he’s clearly too old and hopes you’re polite enough not to say anything. At times this empathetic portrait soars, at others it’s so bad it’s impossible to look away. The dancing (in some fantasy sequences) is at first jarring, but it’s reasonably well done and at times boosts the often-plodding story, and the acting, while not great, is not poor either. If this all sounds somewhat ambivalent, that’s because that’s how I feel. If you’re a fan of either Darin or Spacey, you’ll be entertained (I am; I am; and I was). If not, perhaps you might want to give this one a miss.

Cinemas 7 41 64 109 130

Cellular

Woman (Kim Basinger) is kidnapped (by Jason Stratham) and locked in an attic room where he’s smashed the phone. Ah, but she’s a high school science teacher and gets it to work, although she can only dial out randomly. Then, the only person she is able to contact is this 20-something slacker (Chris Evans) who doesn’t believe her. Then he does, takes the phone (they mustn’t hang up) to a desk cop (William H. Macy) and then rises to the occasion. This unpretentious B-movie is kind of like Speed, in that it’s such a relentlessly paced and entertaining ride that you ignore its faults.

Cinemas 2 34 53 61 101 109 110 111 112 113 114 130

The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

I have nothing to say about this chicklet flick. Of course, to be fair, it was not made for me. No, it was made for girl ‘tweens who tend to get all gooey over cute guys and clothes and probably fail to notice that the transparent, insipid plot is so shallow you wouldn’t get your toenails wet if you went wading in it; that it’s mercilessly padded to bring it to 110 minutes of fingernails on a blackboard; that it’s filled with clichés and obligatory, insulting stereotypes; and that it’s so sickly sweet it would gag a vampire. There’s even singing! But I have nothing to say.

Cinemas 7 54 90 101 109 111 113 114 130

Festival Express

In 1970, something happened in the rock music world that never happened before and would never happen again. A pair of Canadian rock promoters put together some of the era’s legendary talents, and chartered a train to get between gigs in Toronto, Winnipeg and Calgary. The goings-on were filmed and then ignored, until now. The unearthed concert footage includes some absolutely riveting renditions by Janis Joplin (she died just a few months later) that truly define a blues singer. I got chills. But the real gift of the film is the opportunity to watch, like a fly on the wall, such greats as Janis, Jerry and the Dead, the Band, Buddy Guy and others, clearly and spectacularly wasted, just passing a bottle and jamming together on the train during the long travel days. (I loved the part where they virtually emptied a liquor store in Saskatoon.) It’s an astounding film, one that takes us back to a time of comparative innocence, when the music industry really was simply all about the music.

Cinema 24

INTERMISSION

This potpourri (“ensemble” just doesn’t describe it) comedy/drama about a gang of dead-end crooks in Dublin is darkly comic as well as laugh-out-loud hilarious. This exhaustively inventive, first-time film effort by theater veterans director John Crowley and screenwriter Mark O’Rowe is cheeky, crass, poignant, gritty, droll, drunk, likeable and even quite original, Pulp Fiction influences notwithstanding. There are a dozen major characters, several plots and lots of surprises, but it all works. It’s a mystery. Just surrender to its energy and go with the flow; you’ll not be jerked around.

Cinema 32

I am David

I was hopeful at the beginning of this little film by Paul Feig, as it belied the dopey title and posters, and looked like it might be a pretty cool kid adventure. The young title character escapes from an historically vague Eastern European labor camp and sets off through Greece, Italy and Switzerland toward refuge in Denmark. But the tale wears out fast as it becomes more far-fetched and sentimental, then it gets preachy, and it’s a real snorer by the end. Based on the 1963 novel North to Freedom by Anne Holmes. Stars Jim Cavizel, Joan Plowright and Ben Tibber as the kid.

Cinema 1

LEO

This overlooked drama by director Mehdi Norowzian offers up two parallel stories, one of a boy named Leopold Bloom (David Sweet), ignored by his grief-stricken mother (Elizabeth Shue); and the other of a fresh ex-con pen pal of Leo’s named Stephen (Joseph Fiennes), who believes he can help the young lad and thereby help himself. Stephen is struggling to keep his nose clean while holding down a job at a diner, a task made difficult by local nut job Dennis Hopper. It’s well crafted, with some fine cinematography by Zubin Mistry and fluid editing, but unravels a bit at the end.

Cinema 52

IN ENEMY HANDS(U-BOAT)

A WWII US submarine gets blasted by a German U-boat and the crew is taken prisoner aboard das boot. Oho, but that’s not all that comes aboard, for the captain (a laughable Scott Caan) is suffering from meningitis, and soon both crews are decimated. Having fun so far? In order to make his boat operational again, the captain (a decent Til Schweiger) asks the Yanks to help man it. The presence of William H. Macy elevates this cheapie somewhat (The underwater footage is straight from U-571), but apparently didn’t keep it off the direct-to-video list. A third of it’s in German. (Japanese title: U-Boat)

Cinemas 56 130

The Grudge

Okay, this English-language replication of the Japanese horror film is not perfect. Starting out with a strong and truly shocking scene involving Bill Pullman, after 45 minutes of “Boo!” scenes it becomes a wee bit repetitive. Its non-linear, jigsaw-like structure covers up the fact that its plot makes virtually no sense, and its characters, led by a tepid Sarah Michelle Gellar, dutifully obey the formula: always investigate strange noises, poke your head/hands into dark spaces, and look into the attic/fruit cellar. The lucky ones are merely scared to death. On the plus side, it’s set in Japan and is directed by Takashi Shimizu, who made the original and is a master of menace and of things merely glimpsed. The sound design (that sound!) is vital and effective. But in the end there’s only one yardstick for a horror film, and this one made me jump out of my seat more than a few times, and I actually checked behind doors when I got home. (Japanese title: The Juon)

Cinemas 1 27 40 60 71 82 90 96 99 101 109 111 112 113 130

Bourne Supremacy

Sequel to The Bourne Identity finds Jason Bourne, two years later, again beset by assassins and framed for a murder. He decides that the best defense is a good offense, and puts his dreadful skills to work to find out why. Globes are trotted, cars chased, suspects followed, spy craft practiced and fights fought, all with a dash of humor and a heaping of style. It’s pure popcorn thriller, but a good one, and Matt Damon’s just right in the role. Except there would have been a tad more anxiety about Bourne’s chances of survival if Robert Ludlum hadn’t already written The Bourne Ultimatum.

Cinemas 3 11 26 45 61 70 90 95 96 99 101 107 109 110 111 112 113 114 120 130

Suspect Zero

It must be hard for Hollywood to keep coming up with new motivations for serial killers without making us laugh. Well, Tinsletown fails again with this atmospheric but preposterous Se7en wannabe, a serial killer flick in which a psychic psycho serial killer targets only other serial killers. He has no clear modus operandi aside from not having a modus operandi. In any mystery, the audience should be given the opportunity of putting the clues together and coming up with the answer. No chance here, dummy; you’ll have to wait until the end when we explain it all to you.

Cinemas 2 51 61 96 101 109 111 113 114 130

The Fighting Temptations

Multiple choice formula flick: Self-centered/morally empty lawyer/athlete/advertising whiz, during a quick trip to his/her hometown, gets roped/shamed/coerced into saving/rehabilitating/inspiring the local choir/band/team/church to win/pay back the big talent contest/game/debt. Don’t they ever get tired of remaking Sister Act? Cuba Gooding Jr. pretty much confirms that his 1997 Oscar was a fluke, and Beyoncé Knowles seems to be selling lip gloss. There is, however, some great gospel music in this MTV-produced film, but wait for the video so you can fast-forward through the alleged acting.

Cinema 8

The Machinist

Creepy psycho-suspense film by Brad Anderson (Session 9) about a haunted young man who hasn’t slept in a year; his only social contacts are an airport waitress and a hooker (Jennifer Jason Leigh). In a deeply obsessed performance, a skeletal Christian Bale, who dropped a third of his body weight for the title role (don’t try this at home; or at all), is nearly unrecognizable, scarier than the movie’s “secret.” His emaciated look enhances (even overwhelms) the film’s noir/horror motif. But this cold film doesn’t cheat; there are no sudden twists, and you get to figure it out for yourself.

Cinema 33

Before Sunset

Ten years ago two young backpackers (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy) met on a train and decided to walk around Vienna until morning. This was Richard Linklater’s Before Sunrise, which I found a bit talky but the characters and motivations believable. They agreed to meet again in six months, but one failed to show up. Now, ten years later, he is in Paris signing the book he has written about this encounter when she shows up. He has a flight in 90 minutes, so they go for a stroll. At first they just talk around what they really want to know. They are, after all, adults now. But their body language is at least as important as their words. And then come these flashes of brutal honesty. It’s filmed in long takes and in real time, and the conversation is uncontrived and instantly believable (Delpy and Hawke share writing credits with Linklater). This insightful, enthralling and even revelatory film does nothing less than break new ground in the romance genre.

Cinema 100

alexander

Oliver Stone’s sweeping, epic miscalculation depicts history’s greatest overachiever as an obsessed, indecisive, at-least-bisexual Hamlet figure. This unappealing sword-and-sandals bomb makes Troy seem focused and coherent. Hard to say which is funnier, the miscast Colin Farrell’s Irish accent or Angelina Jolie’s (as his snake-fondling, bitch-with-a-capital-“C” mother) Transylvanian accent, which is so thick it would crack up Bela Lugosi. The film’s six, sorry, three hours are filled with plodding battles that don’t mean anything, lots of anguish and, okay, some nice scenery.

Cinemas 4 5 23 46 60 70 81 90 95 96 99 101 107 109 110 111 112 113 130

the notebook

Another noxious weepie from the pen of Nicholas Sparks, who inflicted upon us Message in a Bottle and A Walk to Remember. Its used-to-death, wrong-side-of-the-tracks romantic plot involves Ryan Gosling (The United States of Leland) and Rachel McAdams (Mean Girls) when the lovers meet in the late ’40s, and James Garner and director Nick Cassavetes’s mom Gena Rowlands in the present day, one suffering from Alzheimer’s. Paradoxically, though I found it soggy, sudsy, sentimental and maudlin, it’s also well acted and directed, and fans of this sort of mush could do worse.

Cinemas 4 5 30 48 63 90 96 101 109 111 112 120 130

the keeper

Stopping by Japan on its very short journey to video release is this lame rip-off of The Collector, in which Dennis Hopper plays an obsessed sicko (you’d think he’d be a wee bit tired of doing this persona by now, but a paycheck’s a paycheck), a small-town sheriff who kidnaps nightclub stripper Asia Argento and keeps her in a home-made dungeon so he can teach her the “rules” of living a proper life. Still awake? This cheesy cheapie is unimaginatively directed, offers not a believable character, and follows a truly rotten script. Not even a renter.

Cinema 43

the stepford wives

Updated comedic remake of the 1975 sci-fi thriller about a town in which all the wives are perfect and pliant, and all the husbands share a dark secret. It should be pointed out that the original was not a comedy. But then, neither is this. Ira Levin wrote the novel when feminism was a fresh force on the social scene. But now? Its shallow, pseudo-feminist moralizing is irritating, the plot suffers from some gargantuan logistical, motivational and feasibility problems, it’s too light to be scary and too dark to be funny. Bright spot: Roger Bart as a gay wife.

Cinemas 99 101 113 114

Ray

Taylor Hackford’s (Chuck Berry Hail! Hail! Rock and Roll,An Officer and a Gentleman) approach to the life and music of the great Ray Charles is a bit conventional, but with music like this and an Oscar-worthy performance by Jamie Foxx, who absolutely nails the title role, that’s okay. The music is by Charles himself, who was closely involved with the project until his death last year. The film has a strong sense of time and place, and don’t forget we’re talking about nothing less than the birth of R&B music. It chronicles Charles’s life from the 1930s to kicking heroin in 1966, doesn’t soft-pedal the womanizing, and best of all examines how Ray came up with his groundbreaking country/boogie/gospel sound. A fit tribute to a man known as “The Genius.” Also Kerry Washington as his wife, Della Bea Robinson, and Regina King as “Raelette” Margie Hendricks. Big screen, please. For the sound.

Cinemas 1 7 20 54 96 101 109 111 113 114 130

Phantom of the Opera

This is a movie (or perhaps not) for those who greatly appreciate (cannot even tolerate) the lavish and beautiful (overproduced and overcooked) musical creations (repetitive schmaltz) of the brilliant (increasingly annoying) Andrew Lloyd Webber. And you know who you are. Joel Schumacher’s (Batman Forever, Falling Down) adaptation of this 140-minute celebration of lowbrow grandiosity looks great, but the plot is glacial and thunderously dull, the music clunky, the emotions forced, and the whole thing smacks of an attempt to milk a few more shekels from Webber’s biggest cash cow.

Cinemas 2 10 26 45 60 72 90 95 96 99 101 109 110 111 112 113 114 130

The Life and Death of Peter Sellers

According to this, Peter Sellers, who played so many hilarious characters, was an insecure, obsessive momma’s boy with no personality of his own, and was selfish and cruel to those around him. This may be true, but need it be the main focus? A bit vicious. Geoffrey Rush absolutely nails the title role, occasionally even switching costume to play Seller’s mother, Blake Edwards or Stanley Kubrick. But while this must have been a blast for Rush, its effect is alienating and underlines the film’s already schizophrenic tone. Also Emily Watson, Charlize Theron and John Lithgow. Less fun than I thought.

Cinemas 52 99

Ocean's Twelve

WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKE THIS BIG-STAR HEIST FLICK DEPENDS ON how much you like those glossy movie magazines, because this affable but instantly forgettable and way-too-cute bit of self-indulgence on the part of otherwise talented director Steven Soderbergh is the cinematic equivalent. Sure, it looks like these stars are having fun, but are you really willing to pay to watch them doing it? It’s like they’re picking your pocket. The increasingly and unnecessarily convoluted, padded plot involves the original 11 crooks getting located by Andy Garcia, who they ripped off in the 2001 movie, but who graciously (not to mention inexplicably) grants them two weeks to come up with the millions they stole from him. This somehow evolves into a kind of thieving contest between Our Gang and another legendary crook played by Vincent Cassel. And golly, a cameo by Bruce Willis, too! Okay, guys, you had fun doing a location picture in Europe and all; now get back to work and make us some real movies.

CINEMAS 1 4 5 29 30 31 48 55 61 62 63 81 82 90 95 99 101 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 120 130

FINDING NEVERLAND

MOSTLY FICTIONALIZED BIO-PIC ABOUT HOW FOUR BOYS ACT AS MUSES to J.M. Barrie, helping him to break his playwright’s block and come up with Peter Pan, his best work. It’s impeccably made (by Marc Foster—Monster’s Ball), uncontrived and three-dimensional, and the moving ending reduced this hardened critic to a blubbering mess. (I actually like it when a film can honestly jerk a few tears, without resorting to emotional button-pushing.) Once again, as with Pirates of the Caribbean and Secret Window, the main reason to see this movie is the beautifully nuanced performance by Johnny Depp. Few actors today could convey the blend of passion and guilelessness that Depp pulls off. Also Kate Winslet as the boys’ mom, Julie Christie as Kate’s disapproving mom, an amusing performance by Dustin Hoffman as Barrie’s droll producer, and a standout kid performance as well, by Freddie Highmore as Peter.

CINEMAS 2 11 34 53 61 90 101 109 110 112 113 130

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